Clenched Fists
by S.J. Kohl
Summary: Cloud suffers from dreams, and Reno seems to be the only one who can help him. And what does Zack have to do with anything anyway? CloudxReno ... Zack?, RenoxProstitutes, post AC. Warnings: Angst, sex, het, bad language, violence, consent issues.
1. Ch 1: Kiss

Clenched Fists  
By S.J. Kohl

Pairing: Cloud/Reno  
Rating: NC-17, overall  
Summary: Cloud is having dreams he can't get rid of, and the only one who seems to be able to help him is Reno.

A/N: For Phoenix Dayze.  
Disclaimer: FFVII is not mine, and we all know it.

**A/N: A special thank you to BoxOFJuice for sending me this poem, and for allowing me to use it here. You definitely made my day brighter and my story more complete.**

* * *

**This poem was sent to me in a review, and it seems to encompass everything I want to say with and about this story. The author gave me permission to reprint it here. Please don't steal it. It doesn't even belong to ME, for Shiva's sake. **

**Clenched Fists: Prelude  
**Never Say Goodbye  
By BoxOFJuice

Guilt.  
It isn't beautiful,  
Acid in your system,  
Forever painful.

I meant no wrong.  
I'm sorry,  
I really am.

Venom of silence,  
A silent scream,  
In an empty box;  
Echoing in nothingness.

Must it end like this?  
Not a single word uttered;  
None.

Can you not see?  
The agony I'm in.  
Set me free,  
Forgive me.

Shivering in the brightness;  
I love you.  
I really do.

Was it just me?  
Do you not love me?  
A passing emotion,  
Desperate illusions.

White pills,  
With a whole new meaning.  
Medicine;  
It's for healing (not hurting)

Taunting death;  
A deadly dance.  
Your time will end,  
Make no haste.

Please,  
Don't hate me.  
Have mercy I beg you,  
Never say goodbye.

Cry. Call. Whisper.  
Say my name.  
I...  
Will come.

* * *

**Clenched Fists: Chaper One**

Cloud panted, his eyes wide and haunted as his back stretched into a tight, painful arch. Gasping, he sank back onto the rough mattress of his cot, shudders racking the length of his body. He couldn't get there. He couldn't get there and it hurt. Too much, too much. Fighting the urge to scream, he unwrapped his fist from around his sex, hard and aching though it still was.

Every night it was like this. He had needs like anyone else. He had dreams. And he…he desired. Not women. Not Tifa. But he _did _desire. He couldn't help it. And he couldn't help the dreams. _Red hair and dark laughter. A crooked, sardonic smile and eyes that gleamed as they swallowed him whole. _And Cloud would wake up, hard and dying, his hand wrapped tightly around his cock, straining for a release he couldn't find. Two years of this, two years of dreaming Reno Sinclaire, and he still hadn't been able to satisfy his hunger, not even with his own hand. The need gnawed at his insides, licked at his skin with a raw, flickering flame. It didn't matter that Reno was a turk. It didn't matter that Reno worked for Shinra, or even that Reno had been one of the bastards assigned to take down Zack. None of that mattered. No, the only thing that mattered was that Cloud _wanted _Reno.

And couldn't have him, didn't _deserve_ to have him. Cloud let out a long breath and rolled over onto his side, careful not to brush his too sensitive flesh against the thin blanket that covered him. He didn't deserve to feel loved or cherished, and he didn't deserve to know what it felt like to let go. Maybe that was why he could never get there, no matter how hard or fast or desperately he moved.

Still. Knowing that didn't make him want it any less.

And it didn't stop the dreams.

* * *

Stuffing his hands into the pockets of his oversized slacks, Reno whistled softly to himself as he climbed the stairs to the second floor of Seventh Heaven. He'd been hanging out around the bar a lot lately, trying to make amends between himself and Cloud Strife. It wasn't working though. Strife had barely spoken two sentences to Reno since that whole Remnants fiasco two years earlier.

Tifa'd gotten used to him though. So much so, in fact, that she now ordered him around like she did Strife. Case in point, he was now on a mission to bring Cloud down the stairs and in to dinner, even if he had to tie Cloud up and drag him down the stairs by force. How exactly Reno was supposed to hogtie a man ten times stronger than he was, Reno hadn't asked. He'd just smiled and said, "Sure thing."

What else could he have done? Even he was smart enought to know that Tifa could kick his ass from here to Wutai if she wanted to. No. It was easier to do whatever she asked him to do. Less painful too. Besides, at least he'd get to _see _Cloud this way. Shrugging in cheerful resignation, Reno lifted a fist to pound it a few times against Strife's office door.

No answer.

Reno sighed. He knew Cloud was in there. This was his room, and he hardly left it at all these days, unless he had a delivery to make. He even slept in there on a little cot. Reno cleared his throat. "Come on, Strife, I know you're in there!"

Still no answer.

"All right." Reno shook his head. "But don't get all pissy when I pick the lock. Tifa says you have to come down for dinner or she's gonna kick my ass."

Silence.

"Fine. Have it your way," Reno muttered, pulling a couple of tools from his left pocket. A Turk was always prepared against any foreseeable difficulties. It took him less than thirty seconds to pop the lock. Stuffing the tools back into his pocket, Reno tucked a stray lock of hair back behind his goggles and pushed the door open just wide enough to slip inside. He leaned back against it, resetting the lock. He cleared his throat again. "Cloud?"

It was dark in the room, darker than it should have been at 5 o'clock in the afternoon. Reno squinted, trying to get used to the dim lighting. Blinking, he scanned the room. It was almost bare. There was the desk over by the window, with a few pictures plastered on the wall behind it, and there was a blanket thrown over the window to block out the light. _Well that explains the darkness, now doesn't it? I know you're depressed, Cloud, but this is a little melodramatic, even for you. _Reno shook his head. The only other piece of furniture in the room was the cot, tucked into the darkest corner of the room, to the left of the door, and Cloud was lying on it, curled up on his side with a thin blanket hanging down around his hips.

He wasn't wearing a shirt.

Reno swallowed thickly. "Cloud?"

A choked gasp. "R-Reno?"

"Yeah, man. Tifa wants you downstairs for dinner."

Cloud shook his head. "Can't."

Reno took a few steps toward the bed, his eyes narrowed with worry and tension. Strife was usually acting pretty strange, but this…this was _weird. _He licked his lips. "Why not?"

"I just…" Cloud whimpered. He actually _whimpered. _

Reno knelt down beside the cot, staring at the taut, quivering muscles of Cloud's back. "You just what?"

"I just…I can't…" Cloud's body vibrated with tension, his muscles locked tight to his bones.

Reno took a deep breath. This really wasn't what he needed to deal with right now. _I could go get Tifa... _But no. This was a job, damn it, and Turks did _not _bail out on jobs. Reno stretched out his hand.

Cloud flinched at the icy heat of Reno's fingers as they brushed against his shoulder. "N-no!"

"No? Cloud…it's…not as if I can hurt you or anything." Reno didn't pull his hand away. Instead, he slid it up along the line of Cloud's shoulder blade, allowing his palm to come to rest where Cloud's shoulder joined his neck. "See?"

Cloud shivered. "Stop it. I can't…I'm not allowed…"

"Not allowed to what?" Reno growled in frustration and yanked roughly at Cloud's shoulder, twisting the smaller man onto his back until he met a pair of glazed blue eyes. Reno opened his mouth to speak. He closed it again, not sure what to say. Finally, he shook his head slightly and ran his fingers softly over Cloud's neck, frowning at the chilled, sweat-soaked skin. "Cloud…what's wrong?"

Cloud bit his lip, leaning into the soft touch of Reno's fingers almost against his will. Then those fingers moved upward slowly, gently tracing the line of his jaw. His eyes flying wide, Cloud shook his head frantically. "No..."

"No?" Reno glared at Cloud and leaned in closer, following the curve of Cloud's ear with his fingers. "What the fuck do you mean 'no'? I know something's wrong, you bastard. I'm not a total moron."

Cloud jerked his head to the side, staring resolutely at the wall. He swallowed hard. "Go away, Reno. This isn't your problem."

"The fuck it isn't!" Reno snarled, digging his nails slightly into the cold skin of Cloud's neck. "Tifa said--"

"I don't care what Tifa said!" Cloud seized Reno's hand and shoved the man back. Hard. _Go away. Please just...go away. _

Reno stumbled backward on his knees, catching his balance a bare moment before he would have tumbled to the floor. He shook the ache out of his hand from where Cloud had grabbed him and resolutely moved back to the cot. "I'm not leaving." He reached out again, fully expecting to be punched in the face as he settled his hand, resolutely, over Cloud's pounding heart.

But Cloud didn't punch him. He gasped, and he closed his hand around Reno's wrist in a hard grip, but he didn't push Reno away. Instead, he pulled Reno closer, closer and closer until their lips met in a clumsy, desperate kiss.

Reno almost choked, almost pulled away. This sort of thing wasn't his kink, and it definitely hadn't been on his top ten list of things Cloud Strife might want to do to him. But he didn't pull away. Cloud was just so…anxious. Sick and almost childlike. His entire body was drenched in sweat and he was shaking like a chocobo after a rainstorm. What kind of bastard would Reno be if he pulled away from Cloud right now? _I mean...we're friends, right? Sort of anyway. And he doesn't seem exactly sane anyhow. _So Reno opened his mouth, allowing Cloud to taste him with lips and teeth and tongue. His eyes widened as his hand was drawn down along the length of the younger man's body and shoved between a pair of slim, tightly muscled thighs. His heart pounding, Reno tried to pull away, tried to jerk his hand back, but Cloud was crying. _Crying. _

So Reno just shrugged and smiled. He wrapped his fingers around the length of Cloud's cock and pulled back slightly from the hot, messy kiss. He stared into Cloud's fevered eyes and ran a hand through sweat-drenched locks of pale gold hair. "It's okay, Cloud. I'll take care of you." Then he leaned in again, forgetting his anger, and he closed the distance between their lips even as he drew his closed fist up the length of Cloud's sex.

Cloud's sharp gasp echoed through the room, and Reno smiled through the kiss. He snaked his tongue out to meet Cloud's, coaxing and directing until he was the one leading their dance. If he was going to do this, he was at least going to do it right. _And I'm damn well gonna do it right too. After all...this is the closest I'm ever likely to get to the cold bastard. _His hand moved, fast but gentle, between Cloud's thighs, and he slipped his free arm around Cloud's shoulders, holding him against the shudders that racked his body.

It didn't take long. A few moments more, a few more pulls along the hot flesh and Cloud was arching up off the bed, moaning into Reno's mouth and digging his nails sharply into Reno's shoulder, probably tearing through the fabric of his shirt.

Reno didn't care. He held Cloud through his trembling, drawing his hand—sticky though it was—up the length of Cloud's naked body to cup his cheek. He pressed a kiss, tender and almost chaste, against Cloud's parted lips. "Cloud?"

Cloud's eyes—closed in orgasm—fluttered open. Tears streamed unchecked down his cheeks, and he…he _smiled _as he whispered hoarsely, "Thank you."

Shrugging, Reno laughed nervously and pulled away. He shoved his ponytail back over his shoulder with his clean hand and rose to his feet. "No problem, man. Just...come down to dinner, okay?"

Cloud sat up slowly, hunching his shoulders in an unconscious effort to keep his body hidden. He stared down at the bed, unable to meet Reno's eyes after what he'd just done. "All right." He clenched and unclenched his fists idly. "Tell Tifa I'll be there in a minute."


	2. Ch 2: Whisper

Clenched Fists  
Part Two: Whisper

----------------------------------------------

Reno drummed his fingers on the top of the bar, waiting nervously for Cloud to come down for dinner. He didn't really know what the hell to say to the kid, not after what had just happened. He just knew they needed to talk. _But…_ What if Cloud didn't _want _to talk about it? It was weird enough as it was, right? And it wasn't like Cloud had been in his right mind, wasn't like Cloud had _wanted _Reno to do that to him.

_Right? _Reno swallowed hard. What if Cloud _had _wanted it? What if Cloud wanted _him? _Snorting derisively, Reno shook his head. _Who's being melodramatic now, Sinclaire? _Cloud didn't want him. The blond bastard was cold as the fucking moon. He didn't want anyone.

Just that moment the perfect example walked into the room, rising up on her toes to pull a couple of glasses down from over the bar. Tifa Lockhart: tall, curvy, drop dead gorgeous, and deadly in a fight. Reno had wanted to get her into bed for years, but everyone knew she was head over heels for Strife, even if she never said a word about it. Cloud could have her any second of any day, but he'd never made a single move on her.

_But maybe that's just because he prefers cock to tits. _Reno dropped his head down onto his hands and groaned.

"Cloud not cooperating?"

"Huh?" Reno's head snapped up again at the soft sound of Tifa's voice. "No, uh…he said he'd be down in a minute." _Fuck. _Reno bit his lip against the heat that crept into his cheeks. Was he blushing? _Fuck no. Reno Sinclaire does not blush. Besides, I don't have a damn thing to be embarrassed about. I just helped out a friend, that's all. It's not as if there was anything…I mean…I do it to myself all the time, right? _

"Reno?"

But what about Cloud? Was he all right? _I mean…something's obviously wrong with the kid. He was…crying…and…_ Truthfully, Cloud had just shown more emotion in five minutes than Reno'd been able to get from him in the last two years. It was like he'd been cracked open. Like he was…raw.

Fingers snapped right in front of Reno's face.

Reno shook his head. "Yeah?"

"I asked if you wanted to stay for dinner."

"Oh." Reno grinned awkwardly, determinedly meeting Tifa's worried eyes. "That'd be great. Thanks, Lockhart."

Tifa didn't take her eyes off of him as she clinked a few pieces of ice into the glasses. "Reno, are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm…I'm fine."

Footsteps on the stairs. Slow steps. Hesitant steps.

Reno looked up, his breath catching in his throat as he met Cloud's eyes. They were deep and stormy, shattering with conflicting emotions. He looked terrified and unsure, sated and nervous. Reno wondered idly why he'd never noticed how expressive Cloud's eyes were. _Seriously. For a guy who never says a single damn word…_ Reno cleared his throat and waved a casual hand at Cloud. "Hey."

"Hey," Cloud muttered, taking a seat a few stools over from Reno.

The rest of the bar was empty. It wouldn't actually open 'til sunset, after all. But Tifa was pretty cool about letting Reno in early nowadays. He suspected it was because she could always get him to do work around the place, even down to emptying trash cans and changing out mousetraps, but, hey, a way inside was a way inside. And he'd wanted a way inside. Cloud…was important to him. Reno snorted. _Important enough that I don't really mind sticking my hand down his pants apparently. _But that wasn't it. Reno wasn't into guys. And he _definitely _wasn't into Cloud. It was more like…he wanted to help Cloud. He owed it to the kid, really. Well, he owed it to Zack. _Because a job is a job, yo. _Reno swallowed bitterly.

"Eat, guys," Tifa set plates and glasses down in front of them, and Reno and Cloud ate in silence, barely tasting what they were shoveling down their throats.

Tifa glared at them. "What happened?"

Cloud shot Reno a slow, nervous look, but Reno only shook his head. "So suspicious, Lockhart. But seriously, nothing happened. Well, not here anyways. I just had a real rough day at work. Guess it carried over into my nightlife."

"And Cloud?"

Reno laughed. "You know he sits around moping 24/7, Lockhart. He doesn't _need _a reason to be sulky."

Tifa didn't look convinced.

Shrugging, Reno slid off his stool and grabbed Cloud's elbow, urging the younger man to his feet. "Come on, Strife. Let's get out of Tifa's face for a while, stop insulting her cooking by looking too mopy."

Cloud looked down at the floor, uncertain. "I…"

"Ah, come on, Strife. Nowhere nice, nothin' fancy. We're just gettin' outta this place for a while. Give Lockhart a little bit of a break."

"But…"

"Go on, Cloud. I can clean up here."

Reno cocked an eyebrow. A couple of years ago, Tifa would never done something like that, encouraged Cloud to go out with Reno. _Of course, a couple a years ago she was convinced I'd blown up Sector Seven, so… _

"I…okay…"

Cloud still looked nervous, but Reno didn't give him a chance to change his mind. He smiled at Tifa and tightened his grip on Cloud's arm, steering the kid over to the door and out of the bar. He let go once they were outside, though. He wasn't looking to get his ass kicked, after all. Reno looked around. The street wasn't too busy, but it wasn't empty either. There were a lot of kids running around, and a few adults, heads down and hands shoved in their pockets. Reno wasn't really sure where they should or could go. Cloud wouldn't go to a bar, and they couldn't talk with other people around anyway. But he didn't really want to take the kid back to his place either. _Look what happened last time we were alone a bedroom together. _He glanced over at Cloud, who was leaning against the side of the building. "Any ideas?"

Cloud shrugged. "Got a bike?"

Reno shook his head. "Walked, yo."

Cloud shrugged again. "You can ride with me if you want."

"Uh…sure," Reno's eyes widened slightly, and he followed Cloud around the side of the building.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

It was cold with the wind whipping around him like this, but it felt good. Breakneck speed and hairpin turns. Cloud drove like a maniac. Reno hadn't had this much fun in months, but he took care not to keep too tight a grip on Strife's waist. He wanted the kid to be able to breathe, after all.

He'd been afraid at first that Cloud was going to take him to the church where that girl had grown her flowers. Reno had never been comfortable there. But Cloud had gone in the opposite direction, spinning through the streets until they'd left Midgar entirely.

They didn't ride for long. They stopped at the edge of a wide open field miles outside of the city. There weren't any flowers, just tall grass, dried golden in the autumn air.

Tugging his goggles up onto his forehead, Reno dismounted almost reluctantly, sprawling down in the grass and staring up at the sky as Cloud killed the engine and locked down Fenrir's kickstand. It was evening now. Gray darkness was eating away at the blue of the sky, and a few bright stars ripped through the fabric of twilight. It would have been breathtaking if Reno had actually been paying attention to it. Instead, he just stared blankly and wondered what was going to happen next. He rolled over onto his side and propped himself up on one elbow as Cloud took a seat beside him. "Are we friends, Cloud?"

Cloud didn't answer for a long time. Finally, he just shrugged. "A friend wouldn't have done what I did to you earlier."

Reno scoffed. "If you can't do that to your friends, who can you do it to?"

Again, Cloud didn't answer.

Reno sat up. "Look, Cloud. I've been tryin' to get you to talk to me for two years. For a long ass time I thought you hated me. Truth is I wouldn't 'a blamed you. You had damn good reason. But…I'm kinda gettin' the feeling that you don't really hate me after all."

Cloud shifted slightly. "I never hated you."

Reno sighed. That declaration alone was more than he deserved from Cloud. He'd always hoped there might be some way to patch things up between them. He'd been damn good friends with Zack, after all. But he'd only just been getting to know Cloud when Sephiroth had gone nuts and decided to blow up Nibelheim. Not that Reno blamed Sephiroth. It's what he'd've done. Reno cleared his throat. "Look, man. I owe you a lot—"

Cloud shook his head.

"Shut up. You know…you know what I did. I helped shut you guys up in that hellhole. I was one of the ones sent out to fucking hunt you down. I didn't pull the trigger, but I would have. If I'd been the one to find you, I would have done it." _A job's a job. I can't believe I actually believed that. What a bastard._

Cloud just shrugged. "You do what you have to do. Your job was to protect Rufus."

"Yeah, but…"

"No. I might have hated him once,but I know now that, despite what he did to me and Zack, despite the way he used to be, his life was worth protecting. The planet would be a lot worse off now if Rufus Shinra wasn't around. And if you hadn't done your job, you wouldn't have been around to keep him safe. Besides, you loved him…right?"

Reno nodded, fascinated by the fierce gleam in Cloud's eyes. "Like a brother."

"You do what you have to do." Cloud paused. "Zack died because of me. No one else."

"All right, man. Guess I won't bother asking you to forgive me. Just…can you tell me if you're all right?"

Silence. Then, "I'm not."

"You're…you're not?"

Cloud shook his head.

Reno bit his lip, knowing this was a dangerous question. There were a lot of things Cloud could ask of him that he wasn't exactly willing to give. "Can I help?"

Cloud snorted. "Don't bother."

"Don't…" Reno narrowed his eyes dangerously. "Shit, man. I fucking jerked you off earlier. The least you can do is tell me why you went schizo on my ass!"

Cloud pushed himself to his feet. "It's just the dreams."

"Dreams?" Reno leaned forward, shaking his head in confusion. "What dreams?"

"About you," Cloud whispered, straddling his bike and popping the kickstand.

"About…what?" Reno shot to his feet, dead certain he'd misunderstood.

"Let's go back." Cloud flipped his goggles down over his eyes and gunned the engine.

"No, I…" Reno cleared his throat and shook his head, looking down at the ground. "I think I'll stay here for a while."

Cloud just nodded—sadly, Reno thought—and pulled out onto the road, spinning around to head back toward Midgar without even glancing behind him.

Reno laughed miserably. What the fuck did Cloud mean 'about him'?


	3. Ch 3: Urge

Clenched Fists  
Part Three: Urge

--------------------------------------------

Reno stared at the ceiling. _What the fuck, man? _He couldn't sleep. He hadn't slept in three days. He just…couldn't stop thinking about Cloud. And that would have been fine if it weren't for the fact that every time he closed his eyes…

_Fingernails digging sharply into his shoulder, piercing the thin fabric of his shirt. Harsh, heavy breaths and arms that clutched at him desperately. Thrusting hips, shivering skin. Teeth-melting kisses. _

Reno growled. Every time he closed his eyes, he sank right back onto that cot in Cloud's office, right back to where his hand was wrapped around Cloud Strife's cock. It was humiliating, really. Considering the way his own cock reacted to these visions, Reno had been forced to admit that he might not be an all-woman kind of guy after all because…well, Cloud was pretty and all, but he _definitely _wasn't a woman. _And I probably know that better than anyone. 'cept maybe Zack. _

Reno snarled, choking down an irrational surge of jealousy. It was stupid to be jealous of a dead man, especially when he didn't even know whether or not Cloud had ever been fucked by said dead man—_or fucked the dead man, _Reno's mind interrupted helpfully. Reno choked. _No. _He did not fucking _want _Cloud Strife.

With an irritated sigh, he rolled over onto his side. That, at least, was a blatant lie. He _did _want Cloud Strife. But it wasn't his fault.

"_It's just the dreams."_

"Shut up, Cloud!" Reno growled, flipping over on his stomach and burying his face in his pillow. He was hard and exhausted and fucking angry as all hell. And he refused to jerk off. He didn't want to give Cloud—or his own body—the satisfaction. It didn't matter though. The soft press of the mattress against his flesh was almost enough to get him off all by itself.

"Fuck it all, I'm _not _gay!" Reno groaned. He bit his lip, squeezing his eyes tightly shut and willing his hard-on to go away. _I won't think about Cloud. I won't think about Cloud. I won't think about Cloud._

But Cloud remained at the forefront of his mind anyway, like a mosquito that couldn't be slapped down. He remembered the first time they'd met, back when Cloud had still been in training for Soldier, back before he'd been rejected and sent down to the grunts. Cloud had been sent on a mock mission, a solo assassination attempt to be exact, and his target had been Reno. Reno laughed despite himself. _The scrawny brat actually caught me too. _That had been a sight to see.

"_Shit, Strife!" Reno wiped red paint from his temple where it dripped down onto his cheek, physical evidence of the "fatal" shot he'd just taken. He'd been playing it a little easy, of course—the kid was only fifteen…just a greenie!—but still… He hadn't expected Strife to succeed. Cloud Strife didn't look like much. _Then again, _Reno grinned, _Neither do I. _He held out a hand to Strife, paint and all. "You're too good for Soldier. Why don'cha try for the Turks instead?"_

_Cloud looked uncertain as he took Reno's hand, pulling the older man back onto his feet. "I don't…"_

"_Seriously, man, you'd make an awesome Turk. It's all espionage and solo shit. No big groups to fit in with and all that bullshit." Reno's eyes gleamed as he leaned in closer to Cloud. "How'd you nail that move anyway? I never would'a thought a kid could'a pulled off something like that."_

_Cloud frowned, but he didn't pull away from the grip Reno still had on his hand. "Getting away from your knives? It wasn't much. Just a jump and a roll to get me in close to you."_

_Reno smiled. "No, I mean how you sidestepped the mag rod and popped off that shot at the same time."_

_Cloud opened his mouth to answer, but Zack arrived at that moment, slinging his arm around the boy's shoulders and pulling him subtly, smoothly away from Reno. "Nice moves, Spikey. No one ever manages to catch _this _bastard."_

"_Liar." Reno cocked an eyebrow, a little annoyed at Zack's rather blatantly possessive attitude. Did he think Reno was gonna try and jump the kid's bones or something? Reno snorted. _Fat chance of that. _"I remember at least one other prick who put me in the dirt."_

"_Yup." Zack's eyes were gleaming. "Right before you tried to fry my balls off."_

"_I didn't—" But Reno's angry sputter trailed off as he glanced over at Cloud. Those eyes…they were bright. And Cloud was… Cloud Strife was _smiling

Reno groaned. He didn't need to remember that, didn't need to remember the way Cloud looked when he smiled. It reminded him too much of the other night and the only other time he'd ever seen Cloud Strife smile. _That was a different smile though. _The first one had been bright and innocent, a laughing smile at their expense. The other… _It was…softer. Sadder. Pale and fragile, like it came from a different world. _Either way, though, it was beautiful.

Screaming into his pillow, Reno rolled back onto his back and threw the pillow savagely at the wall across the room. Why did it have to be Cloud?

Reno _liked_ sex.

He'd always liked sex. And women. But it had never been about the partners, just the act. No one ever stuck out. He never got attached to any of them. It wasn't like he was a whore or anything; he wasn't _addicted _to sex. It was just a good distraction, a nice tension reliever when he actually chose to indulge in it, which wasn't often. Still, he took care of the girls he was with. He made sure they had a good time and went home happy. But he didn't love them. That kind of life hadn't been meant for him; after all, his job _was _his life. The only person he'd ever loved was Rufus, and there wasn't anything sexual there.

Reno could say _that _with certainty, at least.

But this… He couldn't say that he _loved _Cloud. Reno snorted. _That'll be the day. _But he was fixated. He was living, breathing, and fucking dreaming Cloud Strife, and he didn't even know why. It wasn't like Cloud was _nice _to him or anything. Cloud was cold and empty, almost inhuman. What the hell kind of bed partner could he make, anyway?

Reno sighed softly and forced his body to relax. As much as he would like to think that that was true, he knew it wasn't. He'd always _thought_ Cloud was cold and emotionless, and it wasn't like Cloud had ever done anything to convince him otherwise. The kid certainly hadn't encouraged Reno's attempts to befriend him over the last couple of years, anyway. _But the other night…_

Reno closed his eyes and actually _allowed _the images to play through his mind for the first time. _Cloud's lips, clumsy and desperate as they pulled Reno in closer, closer. Cloud's muscles shaking and quivering with need and arousal. Cloud's body arching, his fingernails digging painfully into Reno's skin as he came, gasping and moaning. _Reno swallowed thickly. No, Cloud Strife definitely wasn't emotionless. Or cold. And maybe that was what had sparked this attraction. After all, Reno knew all about masks. Hell, he wore enough of them himself, and he knew what it was like when people refused to see anything beneath the surface. _And Cloud…_

He'd seemed so human, so touchable that day. He'd forced Reno to see that there was more to him than guilt and self-recrimination. Just like there was at least a bit more to Reno than sarcastic comments and willful carelessness, little though anyone seemed to know it. Maybe if he'd remembered that first smile a little earlier, he would have realized that about Cloud, that he was more than he seemed to be. And maybe that was why it had to be Cloud Strife, why there was now a face to go along with the urges he'd always felt but hadn't chosen to explore too often.

That didn't make it any easier though. Reno liked his life the way it was, and he didn't want or need anyone else in it. He'd always been alone. It wasn't like he'd ever had a family, not until the Turks, anyway. And a street kid learned early on that he couldn't trust anyone but himself. _And Rufus. _Reno didn't need someone else in his life, especially not someone like Cloud Strife. He didn't.

With those thoughts firmly set in his mind, Reno Sinclaire finally allowed himself to slip into a light sleep, though he knew the dreams would come. At this point, he was just too tired to care anymore.

-----------------------------------------------------

_Reno moaned, closing his arms tightly around the shoulders of the man who moved above him, hips rolling and thrusting slowly, smoothly as he sank into Reno's body. Reno's thighs were trembling, but he didn't care. He arched up anyway, needing more, needing to feel it, to feel everything. "Cloud…"_

_Cloud thrust harder, slamming his lips down against Reno's in a furious clash of teeth and tongue and fierce wetness. His thrusts became ragged, desperate._

_Digging his nails into Cloud's shoulders, Reno forced himself up, struggling to keep their lips connected as Cloud pulled back slightly, his breathing heavy and frantic. But Cloud did pull back, stilling his thrusts just as Reno was on the verge of orgasm. His eyes were wild, a roiling, flickering blue as he shook his head violently. "I…I can't…"_

"_Hey," Reno murmured, running soothing hands over the sweat-slick skin of Cloud's shoulders. "You can. I told you, I'll take of you, man."_

"_No, I…" Cloud bit his lip. "It's too much. Too far…"_

"_It's not. Just move, yo. It'll be okay."_

"_No! I don't want…" There were tears now in those blue eyes. Cold tears, bitter tears. "I don't…"  
_

-------------------------------------------------

Reno's eyes flew open. _What the _fuck _was that? _Even skimming over the fact that he was the _bottom_ even in his own little fantasy world, that had just been weird. Still…even through the humiliation, the anger, and the unrelieved arousal, Reno was worried. He was truly, genuinely worried about someone beside Rufus Shinra for the first time he could remember.

He needed to see Cloud.

And he thought he knew just where he could find the little bastard.

-------------------------------------------------

Reno's lips thinned out into a tight line as he stared at Cloud's motorcycle, parked quite innocently on the curb just outside the door of a rundown building. He'd been right. Cloud _hadn't _gone back to 7th Heaven after what had happened in the field the other night. Reno hadn't thought he would. Cloud was the type to disappear for days at a time, after all, when he had something to brood about. And Reno had definitely given the kid plenty of things to brood about.

_But did he _have _to come _here? Reno looked up at the cracked and faded wood of the flower girl's little church and sighed. He didn't like coming to this place, not after he'd kidnapped Aerith. Not after she'd died in there. But he supposed Cloud liked it inside the church. Comfort and old friends and all that. And a little bit of guilt certainly wouldn't keep Reno from going inside.

Shoving his hands into his pockets, he picked his way across the sidewalk and through the open door, steering around the clear pool of water that still took up most of the floor space to take a seat beside Cloud, just on the edge of the flower patch. He murmured, "Hey."

Cloud didn't answer. He just stared at the lilies, waving slightly in the breeze that came down through the open, shattered roof alongside the moonlight.

Reno cleared his throat, not really sure what to say now that he was _there. _"Look, I've been…dreaming about you too."

Cloud cocked his head to the side, his breath catching slightly in his throat. But he still didn't say anything.

"Cloud…" Reno shook his head, fighting the urge to bite his lip. "I've been thinking about a lot of things…and I don't think…" He took a deep breath. "I don't think I'm totally straight. I think…I _know _I like you, and I've been really, really drawn to you for like…two years now. But I didn't know why. And now, I think…I think…I think I _want _you." This time he really did bite his lip. "And I think…at least, I'm pretty sure…you want me too."

Cloud looked up, his blue eyes wide and horrified. His heart stopped beating. He shook his head. "Reno, I _don't _want you."


	4. Ch 4: Guarded

Clenched Fists  
Part Four: Guarded

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_I _don't _want you."_

Cloud frowned. It was better like this. Better to be hated. Better to be left alone. Wasn't it? Besides, he_didn't _want Reno. He wanted…

_Zack laughed. "Come on, Cloud. We won't get in trouble."_

"_But…Zack…" Cloud bit his lip. "It's against the rules."_

"_Sure it is," Zack threw a strong arm around Cloud's shoulders, his eyes gleaming with pleasure and mischief. "But…don't forget. We've got Reno. He can get into anything without getting caught. So, what do you say?"_

_Cloud looked up at Zack uncertainly, but he couldn't help but smile at the light in Zack's eyes. "Alright," he said. "I'm in."_

Zack. Cloud remembered now. It didn't matter what he wanted anymore, if it ever had. All that mattered was…

Cloud clenched his fists. He was alone, alone in the church, and it was so quiet, so terribly, terribly quiet. He remembered the feel of Reno's hands, the way his heart had been beating—it resonated within him. He didn't want to give that up.

But he already had.

And it was better to be hated.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cloud Strife was a moron. A whiny, depressed moron who didn't know what he wanted and didn't have a clue how to let go of anything. Reno wasn't sure why he wanted anything to do with the kid, really. And Cloud _was _still a kid, despite his age. That was pretty clear at this point. _I want you. I don't want you. I need you. I don't want anything to do with you. _What the hell was Strife's problem, anyway?

Reno snarled and stuffed his hands into his pockets as he made his way down the street.

_I _don't _want you._

Spinning abruptly, Reno slammed his fist against the wall of some nondescript ruin of a building that stretched out along the sidewalk, gasping out its last breaths. The building shuddered beneath the blow, and Reno winced at the bleeding ache in his knuckles. They were scraped raw, he was sure. But he didn't care. _What the hell, man? _He _knew…_he could have sworn…

"_Reno…I _don't _want you."_

_Reno blinked. He shook his head, swallowing nervously. "What?"_

"_I _don't _want you."_

"_No." Reno shook his head again. "You…we…"_

"_It was just sex," Cloud shrugged, his unblinking gaze fixed on the floor. "People do it all the time, right?"_

"_Yeah, but…I mean…" Reno cleared his throat, struggling to get the words out. "Cloud…"_

"_Thanks. For what you did, I mean. But there wasn't anything more to it than that."_

_Reno laughed. "You can't be serious."_

_Cloud just shrugged._

_Reno stood. He wouldn't cry. He hadn't cried since he'd been a kid, and he sure wasn't gonna start now. Not over Strife. "All right, man," he turned to leave. "I'll be around…if you want me."_

Reno snorted. He still wouldn't cry. He might have been tempted if he'd believed a word of the bullshit Cloud had been spewing. It hadn't been just sex. Hell, it hadn't even _been _sex, not really. And the way Cloud had been acting, how _needy _he'd been. Like a real human being. The way Cloud had clung to him…and the dreams…

No. Cloud wanted him just as much as he wanted Cloud. It was just that Cloud was an idiot. And it was definitely something for Reno to be calling someone _else _stupid. Reno spun around and leaned back against the wall, ignoring the ominous creaking of the faded wood. He shouldn't have left the church. That had been a stupid move. He'd had Cloud there, alone, in a readymade confrontation. He could have put an end to everything right then, but he'd just been so pissed off.

There he was, drooling and practically confessing his _love _for Cloud, and Cloud had just…blown him off. Cloud had _lied _to him. Rejected him. Reno laughed. He deserved it. He knew he did. He'd done some pretty damn shitty things in the past, after all, and Cloud didn't have any reason to forgive and forget. Still. That wasn't an issue with them. Cloud had made _that _perfectly clear, at least. And if it wasn't the whole "kill Zack, execute Avalanche, and drop the Sector Seven plate" thing…what was it?

Reno glanced back in the direction of the Cetra girl's church. He looked up at the sky. _Hey, babe. _He laughed softly. _I guess you don't think too much of me, huh? I didn't give you anything to think much of though. Kidnapping…vandalism… Yeah. Guess we ended up on one really twisted foot, flower girl. Aerith, right? Yeah. Aerith. Well, Aerith…I'm sorry about that shit. I could really use some help down here right now. _Reno cleared his throat and cocked an eyebrow. "That is…if you want to try that whole healing-Cloud-from-beyond-the-grave thing again. Only…" he tilted his head to the side and smiled. "I won't lie to you and tell you it's all for him, babe. I'm too much of a selfish bastard for that. No, _I _want him. For me." Stretching his arms up toward the clouds, Reno closed his eyes, not even caring that there were people walking down the opposite side of the street, staring wide-eyed at him. _But I promise I'll take good care of him._

Reno dropped his arms and opened his eyes. _Nothin' like talking to a dead girl to clear your mind. _He didn't feel angry anymore. He felt sad and a little bitter. But he also felt determined. He shoved himself away from the wall, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

It was time to go back to the church.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Reno walked ahead of them._

_Well, it was more like…stalked. He was silent, stealthy. Almost slinky. Cloud was fascinated. Even Zack didn't move like that. _

"_Fun to watch, isn't he?"_

_Cloud jumped slightly and glanced over at Zack. Zack, who was leaning in close, so close, to his side. Cloud nodded. "How does he do that? It's like he's everywhere at once."_

_Zack shrugged. "He's a Turk. They're trained for stealth, and Reno's the best they've got. It's like he has…spider-blood or something."_

_Cloud smiled. Spider-blood. He liked that. "He _is _fun to watch."_

"_Yeah," There was a guarded, possessive gleam in Zack's eyes as he looked at Cloud. "Just don't watch too close, Spikey."_

_Cloud leaned in closer to Zack, pressing in against Zack's shoulder for the briefest of instants. "You know I wouldn't do that."_

"No," Cloud whispered, kneeling in middle of the circle of lilies, breathing in their silent scent. "I love you, Zack. I would never do that to you." He looked up at the ruined back wall of the church, at the gaping hole in the ceiling that weakened the structure of the building but allowed the flowers to thrive. "I miss you. I don't…"

Cloud gasped. There were hands on his chest. Strong arms that wrapped around him from behind, lips that pressed against his neck, just below his left ear. He tried to jerk forward, but he couldn't seem to make his body move. His body didn't _want _to move. He knew those hands, those slinking movements, everywhere and nowhere all at once. "Reno…"

"So you love Zack, huh?" It was a whisper, a breath of hot air against Cloud's skin, and he bit back a moan. The hands moved in, drawing down the zipper of his sweater, slowly, slowly, just barely tracing the skin beneath with the tips of long, slender fingers. Half-skirt unbuckled, belt unclasped. Button popped, zipper drawn down, and still Cloud didn't move, didn't struggle. He only breathed and leaned his head back against Reno's shoulder, needing, needing. Needing so much. Reno laughed softly. "I can live with that. I already kinda figured, anyway. I mean, you can't _not _love him, huh? He was a beautiful man, wasn't he?"

"Yeah. He…"

"He loved you too, you know. I could see it in his eyes when he looked at you." Reno laughed, and his hands slid down, down, down until they were inside Cloud's pants, and Cloud _did _buck this time, but he wasn't trying to get away. "I was jealous of that. Jealous of you, jealous of him." One hand pressed flat against Cloud's skin, just between the bones of his hips, holding him in place. The other…the other wrapped tight around him, squeezing and gripping, and Cloud was hard, so very, very hard. He wondered for a second if it was another dream, but then Reno's hand was moving and Reno's satisfied breathing was feathering against his ear, and Cloud knew no dream could ever feel this good. A long lick just behind his ear, and Reno was laughing again. "You two were so close. I wanted what you had. Him. You. I wanted it."

Cloud's arm slid back, his hands fisting themselves in the rumpled fabric of Reno's jacket. He closed his eyes. He shook his head even as his hips strained upward, rocking themselves into Reno's grip. "No…"

"Yes. That's what the drinking was about, yo. Or didn't you know? To drown it out. You. Him. Everything. I was a Turk. I couldn't have what you had." His hand moved faster, sliding, pulling, guiding. It wasn't rough, wasn't desperate, and his other hand slid upward, ending in a pressing caress against Cloud's bare chest, just over his pounding heart. "I had a job to do."

Cloud shook his head again. "No…"

"It's okay, yo," Reno soothed. He tightened his grip slightly, very slightly. He could feel Cloud getting close, and he wanted it softer this time. He wanted it to be about pleasure and not about need. "I told you. I can live with all that." He nipped at Cloud's ear and slid his hand across Cloud's chest, brushing his fingers against sweat-slick skin, a sharp collarbone, a rapidly tightening nipple. "Just…don't let it be the end. Let me do this for you. Let me love you like he did."

Cloud moaned, thrusting, thrusting into Reno's grip. So tight, so good. He was going to get there. He knew he was going to get there. _Let me do this for you. _Cloud nodded. "Please," he whispered. _Please do this for me. _It felt like he was breaking but staying in one piece, like the shattering was all on the inside and it was a good shattering, so, so good. _Let me love you like he did. _Cloud's eyes snapped open and he jerked forward, scrambling on his hands and knees away from Reno, turning around to kneel in a tense crouch on the far side of the lily patch. _Better to be hated. Better that way. _He shook his head. "I can't."

"Shit, Cloud," Reno sank down to his knees, crushing a couple of yellow flowers as he fell. His hands felt so empty, so cold. He stared at Cloud, almost unable to speak. "Why not? Why can't you just let me care of you."

Cloud only bit his lip, his gaze caught by the flowers, whispering softly back and forth in their sacred bed. His body throbbed and ached, and his hands were trembling as he clenched them in his lap. But he still didn't answer.

"Zack doesn't have to be the end, does he?" Reno pleaded, crawling forward through the flowers, scattering petals as he went. He stopped a few feet in front of Cloud, one hand stretched out in front of him. "I know you were in love with him, but…"

Cloud shook his head. Bit his lip.

"Cloud…"

Cloud looked up. Hesitated. But then he crawled forward, just a step, just a step. He stretched out his hand, sucking in a breath as his fingers touched Reno's. "Zack…" Cloud swallowed thickly. "He didn't love me."

Reno's fingers shook. "What?"

"He was in love with _you_."


	5. Ch 5: Slick

Clenched Fists  
Part Five: Slick

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Reno shook his head as he turned to look back over his shoulder at Zack and Cloud. They were practically arm in arm. He snorted silently and whispered, "You wanna get us caught? Shut up!"_

_Zack threw his arms up, his eyes a glowing storm blue in the dim light of the hallway. "Got it, man. Sorry."_

_Reno rolled his eyes and turned to a keypad on the wall beside him. He waved the other two into the recessed doorway to his right so that, if anyone happened to walk down the corridor, they wouldn't all three be spotted immediately. He could probably wriggle his way out of being found out by anyone other than Rufus if the Soldier brats weren't seen. Even at fifteen, it was hard to put anything past Rufus Shinra. But if anyone saw Zack and Cloud, they would all three be fried in their own blood. He punched in a sequence of numbers on the keypad, issuing a system override he definitely didn't have clearance for. He held his breath, waiting for the telltale whine of the near-silent alarms._

_The only sound was the soft click of the door's lock. Grinning in triumph, he joined Zack and Cloud in the doorway and gestured for Zack to pull the door open. _

Reno laughed and bit down on the thumbnail of his left hand. "What do you mean he was in love with me? That's not possible." He paused. "Is it?"

Cloud sat down and took Reno's hand in a determined grip. "He was."

"But…he had you following him around like a puppy! And he _loved _it."

"Yeah," Cloud nodded. "He was my friend. We took care of each other."

"Well, then…"

"No," Cloud interrupted, shaking his head and tightening his grip on Reno's hand. "It wasn't like that. We loved each other, but we were always more like brothers than lovers. I was a kid to him, a best friend. _You _were the one he wanted."

Reno sat there in stunned silence, his palm damp with sweat in Cloud's grasp. He didn't believe it. He _couldn't _believe it. But…

"_Do you really think we should be here?" Cloud's voice was soft, husky. _

"_Of course not!" Zack laughed, and he ran a familiar hand through Cloud Strife's hair. "We're on the top floor of ShinRa mansion, about to dive into the president's private hot tub. Hojo's sleeping three rooms down the hall, and Sephiroth's on the floor below us. We might all be dead in the morning…but don't you think we deserve a chance to relax a little before we trudge all the way out to that reactor tomorrow? It's an awfully long walk…"_

_Cloud bit his lip. "I guess…"_

_Reno rolled his eyes and shoved his jacket down off his shoulders, dropping it to the floor. He stripped his shirt off, barely remembering to unbutton it first. He tossed it right at Zack's speculating eyes. "Eyes off, yo. You too chicken to jump in or som'thin'?"_

_Zack grinned and pulled his sweater off over his head. "You know, you're pretty hot…for a Turk."_

_Snorting derisively, Reno shucked his pants and dove into the bubbling pool. It was deep—at least ten feet—and satisfyingly hot. He gasped in a breath of steaming water as his foot was caught and he was dragged backward and upward, into the arms of one very naked Soldier First Class. Reno sputtered, "Damn it, Zack, pick on someone with your own sexual perversions…"_

"_What? Not even a little hug between friends? We _are _friends, aren't we?"_

_Reno splashed water in the prick's face. "Of course we are, you bastard." _

_Zack's smile grew serious somehow, and his arms tightened around Reno's waist. "Yeah. I don't ever want to lose that."_

"_Me either, man," Reno answered, glancing uncertainly at Cloud, who was standing half-dressed and half-sad on the edge of the pool. "Now go drag your lover boy into the water. He could use a good ducking." _

Reno blinked. Well, that put a whole new spin on _that _little incident. Rolling around naked and wet with Zack. And, sure, Zack had been hard, but Reno hadn't thought anything of it. Zack had always liked guys. And been open about it too. Reno laughed. "All that time…and he never said a word."

"What was he supposed to say?" Cloud almost whispered. "You weren't into men. And you were a Turk." Cloud's voice took on a bitter edge. "Turks can't afford relationships. Only sex."

"Shit, Cloud," Reno shifted closer to Cloud, allowing his knees to just brush against the younger man's. He wanted to move closer, to pull Cloud into his arms, against his skin, but… He couldn't. He felt lost and cold. He could have had everything he had wanted, everything he still wanted. There'd never been a reason to be jealous of Zack and Cloud, never been a reason to wish for a woman who could be like that with him. He could have had it. He could have… Reno coughed low in his throat. "I took him from you, didn't I? I took him from you, and I didn't even know it."

"No," Cloud shook his head sadly. "I've never been in love. I loved Zack, but it wasn't like that. It was just…he was so possessive of you. He didn't want anyone near you, not even me. He didn't like it when people touched you."

Reno almost choked. _"Nice moves, Spikey," Zack drawled, slinging his arm around Cloud's shoulders and pulling him subtly, smoothly away from Reno, tugging Cloud's hand out of Reno's grip. "No one ever manages to catch this bastard." _All that time, all those times he'd been so jealous and angry, pissed off that Zack might think he was scamming on Cloud and jealous that Zack cared enough to want Cloud all to himself. All that time and it had been _Reno _Zack had been overprotective of. That…sucked. Now he felt even worse about that whole mission-to-take-down-escaped-specimens thing. What the hell had he been thinking? He could have shot down the only person who'd ever been in love with him! Reno shook his head. It didn't matter now, did it? Zack was dead. Zack was dead and Reno would never get the chance to apologize, never get the chance to explore anything they might have had between them.

And it wasn't Zack he wanted anyway. It was Cloud. Reno swallowed thickly. Cloud was the reason he'd come here in the first place. He launched himself forward without a thought, tackling Cloud to the ground and settling his hips between the confused, slightly stunned man's thighs. "Cloud…" He leaned down, pressing his lips to Cloud's in a firm, shivering promise. Zack mattered. Of course he did. But he wasn't there anymore, and he would never have wanted Cloud to be alone. Although…from what Cloud had said and what Reno's now-shifted memories told him, Zack might prefer _Reno _to be alone forever. Reno snarled and nipped lightly at Cloud's bottom lip. How unfair.

Cloud's lips parted, slick and hot, and Reno shoved the unzipped sweater off Cloud's slender shoulders, pressing his hands hard against the warm skin of Cloud's chest. It felt good. Right. Better than he'd ever thought touching someone else could feel. It was weird too; he was aware—very well aware—of the fact that Cloud was a man, but it didn't seem to matter. It felt, if anything, even more arousing, as the pulsing ache between Reno's thighs was willing to attest.

Reno groaned, clutching Cloud tight against him as they kissed, hot and wet and messy. Tongues pressing, twisting, dancing. Lips firm and gripping. Hips thrusting, and Reno felt hot, too hot, and he wanted to be naked, pressed skin against sweat-soaked skin to Cloud Strife, but he couldn't pull back long enough to strip down.

Cloud was weak. He knew he was weak because he shouldn't be doing this, but he couldn't stop. He couldn't pull back; he could only thrust and writhe and grab. Reno was Zack's, all Zack's, and Cloud wasn't Zack, but right now he didn't care because it was Reno, and he needed Reno. He shoved Reno up, up, up onto his elbows, leaning up to keep their lips locked together—he couldn't break the kiss, the sticky, beautiful kiss. Forcing his hands between their bodies, he ripped the wrinkled button-down open, scattering buttons among the crushed lilies underneath them. The smell of the flowers was almost overpowering, but Cloud didn't care. All he cared about was popping the button on Reno's pants, of pulling them together, chest to chest and hip to hip. All he cared about was thrusting, thrusting.

Reno moaned when Cloud pulled him back down, his body flush against Cloud's and Cloud's tongue thrusting into his mouth. He was so hard, aching and straining, and they moved together, wild and needy, both of them. His hands were cupped behind Cloud's neck, his fingers threaded through soft blond hair, and Cloud's hands were digging into his back, gripping the sharp blades of his shoulders. They were so beautiful together, lips locked and tongues thrusting in time with hips, soft groans and the occasional sharp breath drawn in through the nose. Teeth met lips and even tongues, but the pains were short and jagged, and they only upped the tension and the fever.

It didn't take long. Hands tightened in hair and on skin; moans collided between parted lips, and hips jerked in ragged movements of completion as they both spilled themselves, hard and wrenching, onto the tight skin of their stomachs.

Reno collapsed on top of Cloud, his entire body shuddering in the aftermath. His brain wasn't much better off. "Holy shit, Cloud. I've never…that was…"

"Yeah," Cloud agreed, a light breath against Reno's ear.

Reno held Cloud tighter, afraid to let go. He didn't want this to end, but… He cleared his throat. "Cloud?"

"Yeah?" Cloud said again.

"You don't love me, do you?"

Cloud's fingers trembled as he clutched at Reno's shoulders, afraid to answer, afraid not to. He buried his face in Reno's neck for a long moment, drawing comfort from the tense, sweat-slick skin. Finally, he pulled back and pushed Reno up on his elbows again, forcing their eyes to meet, blue to green, regretful to anxious. He brushed light fingers against Reno's cheek, and he leaned up, pressing a soft kiss to waiting lips. He didn't close his eyes for a moment. He smiled in pain and remorse. "You're right. I don't love you."


	6. Ch 6: Need

Clenched Fists  
Part Six: Need 

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Reno drew in a deep breath. He wanted to move. It hurt too much, being this close to Cloud. Touching him. But he couldn't move because…that would hurt even more. "You don't love me."

_It's true, _Cloud thought, staring up into a pair of bleeding green eyes. _I don't love him. _"No. I don't."

Why did it hurt so much? Why did Reno feel so fucking angry? He shouldn't be mad. It wasn't like they were married or anything. Hell, they weren't even dating. There was _nothing _between them. So why was he feeling pissed off and sliced in half? Slowly, deliberately, Reno put one hand on Cloud's bare chest and shoved himself up. Back. He stood, staring down at a kid, a pale, blond-haired kid who hadn't even flinched when he'd taken all of Reno's weight. That pissed Reno off even more. His hands curled into corded fists at his sides. "What the hell do you want from me, Strife?"

"Nothing," Cloud shook his head. "I don't want anything from you."

"Fuck you, Cloud!"

"I…Reno…"

"No! Why do you have to do everything by your fucking self? You're not a Turk, yo!" Reno jerked his pants closed and redid the fastenings, ignoring the sticky mess splashed across his stomach. He didn't need this shit. He didn't. "I told you the first day I met you that you should'a been a Turk. Silence. Espionage. Solo work, most of the time. Or just with a partner. But you chose Soldier, man. You forget that, Strife? You. Chose. Soldier. And Soldiers work together. They work with an army. So don't you fucking pretend you have to do everything alone. I know you didn't learn that way."

Cloud sighed and shifted into a sitting position, his eyes cold and half-distant. "Reno…"

"Shut up. You don't want anything from me, you don't talk to me. It's that simple, man. And I'm not talkin' sex. I'm just talkin' you and me. Friends. Buddies. Hell, brothers if you want. You don't have to love me. I can live without that. But any poor bastard with eyes in his head can see you're hurting!" Reno aimed a kick at the bottom of Cloud's foot, pissed off at the overwhelming _blankness_ in the kid's eyes. "Somethin' ain't right, yo. And I'm not stupid. That somethin' has to do with me. Me. But you won't tell me what it is. You won't let me close enough to help you or even fucking _talk _to you." He snorted. "So I'm gettin' the hell outta here, man. Be a fucking _Turk _and do it on your own. Just…call me when you want something."

Reno left. He walked out the door, not even bothering to pull the rest of his clothes back into place.

Cloud didn't try to stop him.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cloud stared.

He didn't move. He barely breathed. He only lay on the ground, slumped in the only patch of flowers for miles around. He could smell them, softer now, gentler now than it had been earlier, but it was still there. A whispering smell, a reproachful smell.

But he didn't know why.

And he didn't know why it hurt so much.

And he was angry. Angry at himself, at Reno. Pissed as all hell at Zack, who had loved Reno but never gotten to have him, who had loved _him _but never wanted him and never wanted him to want Reno.

And now…now he wanted…

Cloud closed his eyes. What did he want?

Cloud Strife lay in a pool of flowers. He didn't move. He barely breathed. And, in the end, he didn't know what it was he really wanted.

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Reno lay on the one still-standing segment of a broken bridge. It hadn't been hard to climb up there, just a matter of scaling concrete. Easy, with all the cracks and shifted slabs. He could've gone home, but it hadn't felt right. Too closed in. Too far from the sky. He was closer here. Roiling white stretched out wide above him, threaded with muted gray. Yes, he was much closer here. The clouds were low, the sky hanging down right above him.

Zack was up there somewhere, in the Lifestream that spilled out over the clouds. Somewhere up beyond the mottled gray, Zack loved him.

Reno spat out a bitter laugh. What the fuck did it matter? Cloud didn't love him. He didn't fucking _need _Cloud to love him. Fucking hell, Reno'd only just found out he might not be as opposed to screwing guys as he'd thought; it wasn't like he was asking for some kind of declaration of undying love and immortality and all that shit. No, it just pissed him off that Cloud refused to admit that there was _something _between them, whatever that something was.

Cloud needed Reno.

That was obvious. It had been obvious from that day up in Cloud's room. The way he'd clung to Reno then…and again in the flowers that afternoon…

It was like Reno was a slab of driftwood keeping Cloud from sinking down, down, down into the depths of the fucking ocean. Dreams, he'd said. Well, Reno was having dreams too, dreams where he spread his legs for Cloud fucking Strife and loved every second of it.

The dreams would be better if they didn't always end badly, though.

"Zack!" Reno snapped his eyes open wide and yelled up at the growling sky. "Zack! Why didn't you tell me? If you'd told me…" Reno snarled and shook his head. "Why didn't you _fucking _tell me?"

Why?

Reno laughed again. He knew why. Zack hadn't told him because Reno wouldn't have done shit.

No. That wasn't true.

Reno would have stopped coming around, would have broken off that friendship then and there. He'd been a brat straight out of the Midgar slums, and Shin-Ra was the only thing he'd had. He couldn't afford something like Zack back then. A liability. Someone he cared about… The best way to get to an enemy was by threatening the people he loves. People are weak. They protect their loved ones, and sometimes they pay big for it. Reno'd never intended to be weak. He hadn't loved anyone but Rufus, and it was Reno's job to lay down his life for Rufus Shinra. Zack had known him a little too well, it seemed, had known which buttons he just couldn't push.

It was his own damn fault then. Too afraid of ending up dead or worse, back on the streets. Too wrapped up in his job to see what Zack wanted to offer. If he hadn't been a Turk… But no, again. Reno _loved _being a Turk. He loved Rufus, and there wasn't another job he'd rather have, even to this day.

Besides, Zack was dead and wouldn't that have been a joy to face if they'd been more than just friends? That day in the hot tub in Shinra Mansion—that had been just one day before Nibelheim was blown to hell. Just one day. What a fucking rip off that would've been.

The sky crackled with lightning and a dark rumble of thunder, and grey drops of rain sluiced down from greyer clouds, soaking through the torn fabric of Reno's shirt in no time flat. He shivered slightly, his nipples hard and tight against his chest. Cloud needed him. He could hear it pulsing in the back of his mind, could feel the whisper of it in his dreams.

Cloud needed him.

But Reno couldn't help him. Reno couldn't get anywhere close to him because he wasn't Zack Fair. Zack was the best friend, the hero, the rescuer. Zack was the one who'd always been there for Cloud, even if he _had _been drooling after Reno's ass the whole time. Cloud loved Zack and he didn't want anyone else inside his head, didn't want anyone else's arms around him.

Reno opened his mouth and let the rain pour in, icy and tasting of old metal. Rust. He closed his eyes and let the water pour down his cheeks like tears. Simulations. Parodies.

"_Come on, Cloudy," Zack coaxed, his eyes gleaming in the steam. "The water's great…"_

_Cloud shook his head and pulled his legs up against his chest. His blue eyes were dim. "I'm okay."_

"_Ah, come on, Cloud," Reno swam up to the edge of the pool and tugged on the hem of Cloud's pants. "Can't let the rest of us splash around naked while you stay all covered up. 's not fair."_

_Cloud shook his head again. "No, I…"_

_The sentence cut off in a wet blur as heavy hands clapped down on Reno's shoulders, pushing him under and holding him there. Reno reached up, flailing wildly for something, _anything, _to hold onto. He latched onto a fabric-clad ankle and jerked roughly, tumbling Cloud down into the water on top of him and Zack. _

_The hands disappeared, and Reno sputtered to the surface, glaring at Zack's grinning face as the bastard snuggled a dripping Cloud against his chest. "You asshole!"_

"_Hey," Zack's grin grew wider. "All's fair in love and war, man."_

Reno laughed again and opened his eyes. "Which one is this, Zack? Love or war? I don't know what the fuck you did to him, man, but you'd better _undo _it!" He held his arms up, let the drops drip down against his skin. "You're not here anymore, man. I can't love you. He doesn't need to love you. What he needs is someone who's still fucking breathing, damn it. So get your ass to work and get your fucking claws out of his back."

Reno dragged himself to his feet. He needed to get back to work, back to Rufus. He had things to do, damn it, and he hadn't been doing them for way too long. Still, there was a little bit of time left. Enough to go by Langrey's Bar. There were some girls there, pretty little whores with big boobs and nice asses.

Maybe he couldn't have Strife, but, damn it all, he could at least get laid.


	7. Ch 7: Heat

Clenched Fists  
Part Seven: Heat 

Warnings: Gratuitous het, bad language, dirty sex. Have fun now!

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Cloud gasped.

Back arched, muscles strung tighter than an over-tuned violin. Eyes shut tight and forehead furrowed into knots. Toes curled. Hands fisted in the sheets.

It hurt.

Zack. 

Stinging pain, sharp pain. Slicing through his veins, his muscles. Hamstringing him, crippling him.

Zack… 

But Zack only laughed cheerfully and ruffled a hand through his hair, fingers rougher than they'd ever been before. _What is it, Cloud? _he asked softly. _You want something?_

_Please, Zack. I don't want to see anymore._

White flashes behind his eyes. Images, visions. Reno arching up, purring, fingers gripping creamy white hips as he thrust up, up, up. Reno's eyes clenched shut, ecstasy whiplashing across his face. Lips parted, tongue showing.

_No. Zack, no._

Another chuckle. _But you wanted to see, Cloud. You wanted to know that he was happy._

Cloud whimpered. _He's not. He's _not_ happy, Zack. _

_Ah, Cloudy. _Another affectionate ruffle. _Give it time. Of course he's not happy _now, _but he will be. Don't worry. _

No. Zack… 

A small, feminine form moving, moving on top of Reno. Panting. Moving. Reno's face—pleasure, heat. Good. Perfect as she rose, fell. Moved.

Zack… ZACK!!! 

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Reno didn't bother to thrust. He just lay back and let the girl do all the work, slinking one arm around the shoulders of the other two beauties curled up against his sides and petting him softly. He grinned as he stared at the sharp shoulder blades and short blond hair of the girl moving above him. She was panting, even moaning a little. But they were low moans, almost soundless, just the way Reno'd told her to do it. She looked good like this, her back turned to him, driving herself up and down on his cock. Reno grinned at the other little blond beauty on his right and tipped her head up toward him to give her a deep, throaty kiss. He'd already taken care of both her and the blue eyed brunette on his left, but he'd decided to keep the two of them around for the rest of the fun as well.

They were warm and soft, and they'd been well paid to show him a good time. And besides, they're hands felt damn good on his chest and stomach, and the black-haired girl—Carla?—was pressing hot little kisses against his neck.

Reno grunted as the blond riding him clenched her muscles around his cock, squeezing, drawing. He closed his eyes for a brief second and just enjoyed the sensation. Then he reached out and smacked her ass hard. She _had _to learn how to behave. Reno grinned wickedly. He was getting close. Riding the edge of desperate.

He pulled his right arm out from beneath the girl at his side and seized his whore's hips, shoving up roughly inside of her and pulling a little groan from lips he knew were full and pouty. He thrust again, up, up, closing his eyes and letting his hands do all the work. Guiding, pulling. Shoving. Thrust, thrust. Tight. Hot.

_Nice. _

Shouldn't have closed his eyes though. Lying there with his eyes closed and the whore's low little moans ringing in his ears, it was too easy to see another blond in this one's place, a blond who'd panted and writhed and clutched at him, fingernails digging holes in Reno's shoulders, but it didn't matter because he hadn't cared. All he'd cared about was…

Reno arched up, came with a low moan and a collapse back onto the bed pillows, pulling the whore down with him and just holding her there, back against his chest. A pang of anger/bitterness/guilt ripped through him, and he could barely hold back a snarl. They were beautiful women, damn it. And he had three of them—three!—all to himself, so he didn't have a single reason to be unhappy right now! But fucking Shin-Ra, he sure as hell didn't feel happy and didn't that just beat all?

Reno growled and pulled the girls closer to him, thrusting up one last time. _Fuck Cloud, _he thought. _Just…fuck him._

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Cloud's eyes snapped open, sleep stripped away all at once. The images flickered one last time in his mind—Reno's arms wrapped around a slender figure, her blond hair splayed out over his neck—before they faded into the dim light of…

A hallway?

Cloud swallowed. Where was his bed? Or…the flower patch! That was where he'd gone to sleep, in the church. Cloud glanced up and down the hallway. Empty. Abandoned. But…no.

There were doors lining each side of the hall, and his hand…his hand was pressed flat against the rough wood of one of them. It was cracked open, and voices were slipping out into the dim hallway. Girlish laughter. Soft squeals. And growls…familiar, teasing growls that said…so much.

Cloud sucked in a sharp breath. He shouldn't be here, didn't know why he _was _here. Didn't _want _to be here.

And yet here he was, standing right outside Reno's door, practically begging for someone to walk outside. And…he could _see. _Red hair, and blond. Pale skin that wasn't Reno's. Cloud swallowed, bit his lip. Then he moved, suddenly, all at once. He skittered backwards in a panic, knocking open one of the side doors and slamming it against the far wall with a loud _bang. _Cloud winced and stumbled toward the head of the hallway, slipping into the crowded common room and out the door into the night.

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Reno snapped into a sitting position when the door across the hall slammed open. A gasp he recognized too well. Panicked footsteps. _Shit. _Reno shoved the blond girl off him and the others out of the way and scrambled from the bed, taking about 1.2 seconds to jerk his pants on before he took off running down the hall, buttoning them as he ran.

He burst out the front door of the bar, hardly able to breathe for fear that…that…

What? 

Reno stopped. Panted. Looked around. "Cloud?"

No answer.

Reno scanned the street and the spaces between the buildings around him. "Cloud?" he asked again.

But there was only darkness, and shadows.

Reno cursed and leaned back against the wall, sliding down until his ass was flush against the coarse concrete of the city sidewalk. He didn't even wince at the splinters that ripped through his skin as he moved. "Fuck!" He slammed his head back against the wood, hands balled into fists at his sides. "Shit, Cloud, I'm sorry! I'm fucking sorry, okay. I just…I…"

It was a sob, Reno knew, alien as tears were to him. He hadn't cried in years, and he wasn't crying now. Not really. This was a sob born of frustration, of fear. Cloud _needed _him. Needed _something, _Reno knew, but he couldn't get close enough to find out what.

And he'd just fucked up. He'd let his anger get the best of him, and he'd screwed himself over.

Hot. Streaks of liquid fire down his cheeks, and Reno was crying now. He knew it, and it burned. His throat burned, choked up. Everything burned. Reno slammed his fists down against the ground, reveling in the pain that lanced across his knuckles. Blood. He was bleeding now, and he laughed. "Shit. I fucked up, Cloud, and I fucked up bad." Cloud wasn't even there, was long gone by now, but Reno kept talking anyway. "I'm sorry. It's just…I _need_ you, man. And…something in you needs me too. I don't know what the hell it is, don't know what's wrong, but there's _something_ and I…I just want to help. I…" Another sob, another snort of laughter. "I love…"

And then Cloud was there, in front of him, melting out of the shadows like he'd been there the whole time, and Reno tensed, on unfamiliar ground.

Cloud stared, scanned. Then he shrugged. Spoke softly, almost shyly. "You didn't do anything wrong."

Reno laughed and ran a hand through his hair, grimacing at the slick of sweat that came off on his fingers. "I just fucked three whores in a shitty bar because they reminded me of you, Strife. You don't see anything wrong with that?"

Cloud shrugged again. Then he cocked his head to the side. "Three?"

"Yeah…"

"Did they all look like me?"

"Nah," Reno shook his head. "One of 'em looked like…"

"Zack?"

"Yeah."

Reno couldn't see very well—Cloud's face was almost completely in shadow—but he could have sworn he saw the edges of Cloud's lips quirk up. "Kinky," Cloud murmured.

Reno snorted. "Yeah, well. I've always found that, when you like something, it's better to just roll with it."

Cloud nodded. "Why aren't you working?"

"Called Rufus and asked if I could take the rest of the day off."

Cloud looked around, took a step closer. "It's late."

Reno just nodded.

"I…" Cloud knelt down, slid his hands out on top of Reno's knees, and his eyes were a bright, blazing blue, gleaming just like Zack's had always done. He looked strong, determined. Teasing, almost. He leaned in, hands moving up Reno's thighs even as his body pushed forward, right between Reno's legs.

Reno stared. There was something… "Cloud?"

Cloud's voice was husky, darker than it usually was. Older, somehow. "Yeah?"

"What are you doing?"

The hands moved higher, whispering up Reno's inner thighs to press against his cock, which was starting to get interested despite all the action it had seen already tonight. Cloud murmured, "You said you needed me."

Reno growled. He'd kind of been hoping Cloud hadn't heard all that shit. "Yeah, but…you said you didn't want me. Remember?"

Cloud shook his head and leaned in, his eyes like ice on fire, just a couple inches away. "Forget what I said."

Then he pressed forward and kissed Reno. Hard. Claiming. Raw. Cloud's tongue lashed out, parting Reno's lips like water and darting inside. It was so strong, so wet and daring, Reno felt dizzy. His fisted hands relaxed and rose up on their own to dig into the fabric of Cloud's shirt—not the usual sweater, he registered dimly, but something more like a tee shirt—and his own tongue lashed out in challenge.

Cloud sucked it into his mouth, practically begging Reno to thrust, thrust, even as Cloud's fingers found the button of his slacks and popped it open, pulling out Reno's cock and closing one hand around it.

Reno gasped and bucked up into Cloud's grip. This wasn't the Cloud he'd gotten to know. This Cloud was fierce. He took control, took what he wanted, and Reno wasn't the type to give in easily but, fuck, what were you supposed to do when you didn't _want _to fight? Reno snarled and jerked at Cloud's shirt, tugging him closer and biting sharply at Cloud's lower lip.

Cloud laughed and pulled back, moving down, down, down Reno's body until he was practically stretched out on his stomach along the ground, and then he clamped his lips around Reno's cock and sucked.

Reno's head fell back against the wall again and he laughed, confusion and smugness blending together into one rough sound. Cloud's mouth was hot, wet, and far more skilled than he would have pegged the prissy kid to be. His tongue moved and slipped and stroked, and his hands were still locked tight to Reno's inner thighs, kneading muscle through the fabric of his pants. He sucked hard, swallowed Reno down, and Reno let out a low groan, thrusting up into Cloud's mouth and burying his hands in layers of gorgeous, slightly coarse hair. It wasn't as soft as he'd imagined either. It always looked so shiny, so…sleek. But there was a texture to it, a roughness that didn't catch the gleam of the light.

Reno tightened his fingers and thrust again. It didn't take long. Within minutes Reno was rising up off the wall and coming hard straight down Cloud's Strife's pretty throat. Cloud pulled back though, and Reno's next spurt splashed white across his cheek, over his lips. A pretty string that Cloud licked away as he pulled himself back onto his knees between Reno's legs.

Reno grinned into Cloud's blue, blue eyes and leaned forward to kiss him. "Never would'a guessed you were the public sex kinda guy, Cloud…"

Cloud shrugged and licked his lips, and Reno couldn't help but stare at the streak of white that still stained his cheek. "There's a lot of things you don't know about me."

"Yeah?" Reno murmured—low, sultry—sliding his hands down the front of Cloud's shirt and feeling the muscles ripple beneath the material. "Like what?"

"Like…I've been watching you."

"Watchin' me, huh? For how long?"

"Years."

"So…that why you been dreamin' about me?"

Cloud's forehead furrowed. He bit his lip. "Dreaming…I…"

The door to the bar slammed open, pouring light and music out onto the sidewalk, and a couple of guys stumbled out, drunk and laughing as they made their way down the street, sparing little more than a wink and a couple snorts of raucous laughter for Reno and Cloud down on the ground.

Cloud's eyes went wide, dark. He scrambled backward onto his feet. "I, uh…um…" He looked down at the ground. "I'm sorry."

Reno sat up. "Cloud…"

"I'm _sorry."_

Reno dragged himself to his feet and took a step toward Cloud, hand outstretched. "You didn't do anything."

"No, I…" Heavy breathing, shaking head. "I have to go."

_Shit! _Reno lurched forward, grabbed, but Cloud was already moving, already…

Gone.

Just as quick as he'd appeared, he was gone again.

"Fuck!" Reno spun around and slammed his fist into the wall. It looked like he'd fucked up again, and done it good and proper this time.


	8. Ch 8: Silent

Clenched Fists  
Part Eight: Silent 

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"You're late."

"Yeah," Reno sank down into the chair next to Rude and grabbed his partner's coffee mug, taking a long swallow. He hadn't been able to go anywhere after Cloud had left last night—not back into the bar, not home, not even over to Rude's place to bitch and moan. This whole thing with Cloud wasn't exactly something he could just _talk _about, after all, and, besides, he just hadn't felt like talking to anyone about anything after _that. _The whole thing had been perfect, just fucking _perfect_, how Cloud had been so…just… Reno sighed and pushed the half-full cup from one hand to the other. He glanced at Rude out of the corner of his eye. "Long night."

"Uh huh."

Reno snorted. "Don't give me that shit, yo."

Rude shrugged and tugged his coffee cup out of Reno's hands, taking a sip for himself and setting it down on his other side, out of Reno's easy reach.

Reno smacked Rude in the shoulder. "Didn't your momma ever teach you to share?"

Another shrug.

He smacked Rude again, because it made him feel a little better. "Rufus real pissed off I didn't show this morning?"

Rude adjusted his tie, took a sip of coffee. "Don't really know."

"Huh," Reno leaned his chair back on two legs, propping his knees against the table edge. He shouldn't have been late, wouldn't have been either if he hadn't finally stumbled back into his apartment around daybreak and actually managed to fall asleep. For a couple hours anyway. He chewed the corner of his bottom lip. "Think he'll still let me fly him down to Kalm?"

Rude shook his head.

"Bullshit. He can't be that pissed. Who the hell's he gonna get to fly for him? Tseng?"

Rude shook his head again.

"Elena?!" Reno scowled, his face the very essence of 'pissed off.'

Rude cleared his throat, adjusted his glasses. "Mission's cancelled."

"Oh." Reno's chair smacked back down on all fours with a loud bang, and he leaned over, propping his chin up on his elbows. "Why didn't you just say so in the first place, man? Would'a saved me some serious psychological damage."

Rude grunted apologetically.

"Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Why'd he cancel anyway?"

"Had to make a trip over to Edge."

"Take Tseng?"

Rude nodded.

Reno shoved himself to his feet, blinking away a surge of exhausted dizziness and leaning down to take one last gulp of Rude's coffee. He could hear a couch calling his name somewhere in the distance. And why not? Rufus wouldn't be back for a while, and he didn't have anything to do around the office. Why pass up such a great opportunity to nap on the job? Giving one last smack to Rude's shoulder, Reno headed for the door with a simple, "Later, partner."

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Cloud ran a rag across the surface of the bar, only half-listening to Tifa's chatter as she pulled chairs down off tables, set out napkins and coasters, salt and pepper, condiments, and anything else she thought people might want, and just generally got the bar ready for opening. He was tired. He hadn't been able to go back to sleep once he'd gotten home the night before. Everything had been too clear, too _real. _

The taste in his mouth…

No amount of teeth-brushing or searing alcoholic beverages had been able to wash it away. It had still been there, in the background, a reminder. Or some kind of condemnation.

"…don't you think, Cloud?"

"Huh?" Cloud looked up, rag freezing on the bar.

Tifa sighed and dusted her hands on her pants, crossing the room to lean over the bar just in front of Cloud. "Are you all right?"

Cloud looked down, moved the rag in a slow circle across the black surface. "I'm fine."

"Uh huh," Tifa said. "Which is exactly why you're more interested in wiping down this already-clean bar than in talking to me."

Cloud didn't answer; he just made another slow wipe with the rag.

"Cloud?"

He looked up for a second, let his eyes flicker back down to the bar. "Yeah?"

"You can tell me, you know."

"There's…nothing to tell."

He could feel Tifa's eyes on him, calm and caring as always. Then it came. "Did you sleep at all last night?"

Cloud nodded. It was the truth, after all. He _had _been sleeping. Sleeping had just taken him somewhere…unexpected. Dangerous.

She was silent for a while, just watching him. "Cloud…"

The door opened, and they both looked up, automatically dropping into fighting stance. The bar wasn't open yet. No one should be coming in, even if the door _was _unlocked. They didn't move when they saw who was standing in the doorway.

"Rufus Shinra?" Tifa asked, her voice low and wary.

Rufus smiled, and closed the door behind him. He nodded to Tifa. "Ms. Lockheart. I am sorry to disturb your morning routine, but I have some business to take care of." He looked at Cloud.

Cloud looked back, wondering. It couldn't be about a delivery. Rufus always sent Reno. Or called. Or, more usually, made Reno call. Really, there was only one thing this little visit _could _be about. "Tifa," Cloud dropped the rag onto the counter. "Why don't you take a break for a while? I'll keep watch down here."

Tifa looked from Rufus, to Cloud, and back again to Rufus. Finally, she nodded and relaxed her stance, smiling stiffly at Rufus before heading up the stairs.

"So," Cloud said once she'd gone. "Where's your bodyguard?"

"Outside. I didn't want things to get too…crowded."

Cloud nodded, closing his mouth on his next question before he could get the words out. What did it matter whether or not it was Reno out there? "Drink?"

Rufus nodded and approached the bar, sliding smoothly onto a stool and propping his elbows on the black Formica, steepling his fingers beneath his chin. "Rum."

"Rum?"

Rufus smiled. "The 'drink of the lower orders,' my father called it. Perhaps that's why I've developed such a taste for it."

Cloud turned around and pulled down a bottle and a shot glass, plunking the glass down on the counter and filling it about a third of the way full. He slid it across the bar to Rufus, watching in interest as the man knocked it back without a pause or a second thought. That was interesting. He would've thought Rufus would've had his Turks tasting things for him before deigning to try anything himself. It wasn't like assassination attempts hadn't been made before, after all. Cloud took the glass and refilled it, sliding it back to Rufus and looking up to meet a pair of cool blue eyes. "So," he said. "What do you want?"

Rufus shrugged. "Reno missed work last night."

"He's not here."

"I know."

"Then why…" Cloud trailed off, looking down at the counter again.

"He's never missed work for anything less serious than hospitalization. Even booze, sex, and hangovers can't keep him away." Rufus paused for a moment and just _looked _at Cloud. Then he smiled. "I'm interested to see what has him so…distracted."

"Distracted?"

"For lack of a better word, yes."

Cloud looked up. "Why Seventh Heaven? Reno hasn't been here in a while."

"Maybe not," Rufus's eyes gleamed. He tipped his head back and downed the second shot of rum, sliding the glass back across the counter to Cloud. "But you're here."

"I'm…" Cloud shook his head. He refilled the glass—as good an excuse as any to look away. "There's nothing between us."

Rufus cocked an eyebrow, swirled the rum around in the glass. "And last night?"

Cloud took a step back. "Last night…"

"Yes."

"We were..."

"In a public place. On the street, even."

"Yeah, but…you…"

"Have a tendency to wander around the city late at night. Everything's so quiet then, so still. Don't you think?"

Cloud spun the bottle in his hands, didn't answer.

"You don't like Reno?"

"What?" Cloud looked up, eyes wide. "No, I…"

"You _do_?"

Cloud frowned, his fingers tightening around the half-empty bottle of rum. It creaked slightly beneath his grip. "I don't…I…"

"Which is it, Cloud? Love or hate?"

Cloud shook his head. "Part of me…part of me wants…"

Rufus watched him, eyes glittering in something like anger or amusement. He smiled again. "I see." Rufus rose from the stool, pushing it back into place beneath the bar. "Thank you for the drinks."

"You…" Cloud hesitated. "You're leaving?"

Rufus chuckled. "Don't sound so excited. I'm sure I'll be back sometime. You _do _pour a decent drink."

He left, leaving Cloud staring at the closed door in unsettled confusion.

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_There were tears in those bright blue eyes. Cold tears, bitter tears. _

_Reno reached out, brushed a frigid drop from a smooth, pale cheek. "Hey," he whispered. "What's got you so bent outta shape?"_

_A watery smile. "I can't reach you."_

"_Can't reach me? I haven't gone anywhere, yo. I've been here the whole time."_

"_You have?"_

"_Of course." Reno smirked. "Is it my fault you don't stay in one place long enough to catch me?"_

_Hesitation. A bitten lip. "No…but…" Tongue flicking out, easing the sting. "I had to run. I didn't have a choice."_

_Reno frowned, slid closer and brushed his hands up smooth-muscled arms. "Cloud…"_

_Husky, soft. "Yeah."_

_And then Reno was smiling, leaning forward. Kissing. And they were all tongues and lips and connection. Focus sharp and soft at once. And there were hands and skin and touching, grabbing, needing. It was a hard kiss of been gone too long and want you now and never close enough. It was…_

"Reno."

Reno sat up with a sharp gasp, skin still shivering in the aftermath of sensation. He blinked, struggling to see in the soft light of the room, struggling to bring Rufus's face into focus. He breathed, shook his head. Looked up at Rufus. "Yeah, boss?"

"What are you doing in my office?"

Reno grinned, still trying to shake the dream from his head. There was something…something… He shrugged. "You've got the only couch in this place, sir."

Rufus leveled a stern glare in his direction before taking a seat at his desk. "And I suppose you expect me to pay you for sneaking into my personal space and sleeping on the job."

"Hey," Reno pulled himself to his feet and stuffed his hands into his pockets. "I was where I was supposed to be, boss. Is it my fault you ran off to have a good time down in Edge?"

Rufus smiled. "Ah, yes. Strife really does know how to show a good time. Doesn't he?"

Reno opened his mouth, closed it. Glared. Clenched his fists against an irrational surge of anger. _Nothing happened,_ he snapped to himself. _So stop acting like a high school girl with a fucking crush. This is _Rufus. _He doesn't go in for that sort of thing, and even if he did, he wouldn't with Strife. Too much at stake, business-wise. _Rufus, therefore, was just being Rufus. He'd found out about Reno's little problem and was having some fun with it, was all. _Not that that makes me any less pissed off. _Reno flipped a long strand of hair out of his eyes. "Dunno, boss. I don't think you could handle the kind of good time Strife's into."

"Oh?" Rufus raised a thin, ash blond eyebrow.

"Yeah," Reno grinned. "He's a little rough and tumble, ya know. A lotta back and forth. Pretty demanding, too. He definitely ain't no tame beauty like the ones you're used to."

"You think I can't handle a little…spirit?"

Reno's eyes grew wide, but the smirk never left his face. "Oh no, boss. I would never say that. You can do anything you damn well please. All I'm sayin' is Cloud Strife's a live wire. Ya can't touch it if you aren't willing ta burn. And I don't think you are. You're a little too attached to that control of yours to reach out for something that's gonna take hold of you like that."

There was ice in Rufus's eyes, glittering like the fucking mountain caps of Nibelheim, and Reno thought he'd stepped too far over the line this time, thought he'd finally pushed Rufus past that smug patience of his. Reno's fingers itched for a weapon, but he knew it wouldn't do him any good. He could never defend himself against Rufus Shinra. Still, Rufus only leaned back in his chair, finger twitching slightly on the desk, and stared dispassionately at Reno. Unruffled. Finally, he spoke. "So that's how it is, is it?"

"Huh?" Reno stepped forward this time, confusion evident in his voice.

"A live wire, Reno. Once you grab onto it, you can't let go, even if you want to. Even if it's killing you."

"I…" Reno licked his lips. Sighed. Kicked the corner of the desk. "Shit."

"No kidding. How did this happen, Reno?"

Reno laughed. "I don't fucking _know, _boss. One second I was fine, I was me, you know? And the next he was shoving my fucking hand down between his legs and he was _crying _and I couldn't, I couldn't…I couldn't _not _do anything and now I can't stop thinking about him. I'm fucking _dreaming _about him—fucking _in love _with him, you know, and then there's Zack and—"

"Fair? How is he involved in the situation?"

"Didn't you know?" Reno laughed again, a little hysterical, and stumbled back to collapse onto the couch. "He was in love with me."

"Really?" Mild interest, possibly even amusement.

"Yeah," Reno let out a long breath and got back on his feet, pacing the floor of Rufus's office. "That's what Cloud says. He says _he _doesn't love me at all and he doesn't even want anything to _do _with me. That it was just sex, just that's he's been so alone and he hasn't had anyone to fucking touch him in years. It was Zack, you know, _Zack _was the one who loved me and he was fucking jealous, Rufus, fucking jealous enough that he never wanted Cloud to get anywhere near me. And that's why he's so twitchy now, because Zack's dead. He's fucking _dead _but he _loved _me and he didn't like it when Cloud touched me, so Cloud won't…he can't…"

"Reno."

Reno looked up, stopped. "I…yeah?"

"Come here."

Reno swallowed and nodded, eyes red and hot and dry. He moved around the desk to stand beside Rufus, hands trembling in his pockets. "Yeah, boss?"

Rufus looked at him for a minute, just sat there and _looked. _Then he reached up, very deliberately, and slapped Reno, hard, across the face.

Reno blinked, head snapped violently to the side. He raised a hand against the burn. "Shit."

"Are you lucid now?"

"Yeah, I…" Reno chuckled and leaned back against the desk, shaking his head. "Thanks, boss. I needed that."

Rufus nodded. "You've been distracted lately."

Reno grimaced. "I know. Sorry 'bout that, boss."

"Turks can't get distracted, Reno."

"Yes, sir."

Rufus paused, considering. He leaned back in his chair again. "He's lying."

"Yeah, I know I've…" Reno's words trailed off as his mind registered what Rufus had actually said rather than what he'd been expecting to hear. "What?"

"He's lying when he says he wants nothing to do with you."

"I know."

"He's at war with himself."

Reno stared at Rufus, head cocked at an angle. "You wanna elaborate any on that, boss?"

Rufus shrugged. "You know Cloud. There are no constants in his life, nothing he can depend on. He doesn't allow himself to connect to anything, or anyone." Rufus tapped a finger on the desk. "You've been going down to Seventh Heaven for about two years now?"

Reno scowled. He hadn't told anyone about his visits to the bar. Still, he really shouldn't have expected Rufus not to knowRufus knew everything about his Turks. He shrugged. "About. Haven't actually seen too much of Cloud, though."

"That doesn't matter. The point is, it's become routine. You're always there. Tifa likes you. Even the children like you. He's become accustomed to your presence, formed an attachment to you. But attachments are dangerous, Reno. They don't last." Rufus smiled, a dark, sad smile. "So he's fighting himself. Fighting _you._"

Reno stared at Rufus, the information a maelstrom roiling in his mind. "That's…" He shook his head slowly. "How the hell do I get past something like that? It's fucking crazy." His eyes widened, and he…he remembered… And it all…made sense somehow… Reno looked down at Rufus, anger and panic twisting in his eyes. He grinned ruefully. "Sorry, boss, but I gotta go. Don't worry about paying me for today. Oh, and…thanks for this." He ran a hand over the red mark that was no doubt rising on his cheek, and he laughed, strolling from the room without a single word from Rufus. Rufus didn't need him today anyway, and work didn't matter right now.

All that mattered was Cloud.


	9. Ch 9: Dreamer

Clenched Fists  
Part Nine: Dreamer

Warnings: Angst, violence, issues of...consent, I guess...  
A/N: I swear it, guys, eventually someone will get laid. Really.

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Cloud wasn't at the bar. Tifa said he'd left that morning after Rufus came by, and he hadn't been back since. He wasn't at the church. He wasn't even up on the cliff, standing guard over that fucking rusted sword. Reno swore and twisted the bars on his motorcycle, side-skidding it into a stop on the edge of the cliff. He didn't know where else to go. This was Cloud, and Cloud could be anywhere. "Come on, flower girl…"

Reno looked up at the sky. It was a clear night. Well, clear for Midgar these days, anyway. There was still a haze over everything, smoke and pollution snaking a film over the air even two years after Meteor went down. But the stars were out tonight, blinking down serenely, the smoke weaving glowing little halos around each one. It was too beautiful a night for what was happening down on the ground…somewhere. Reno glared. Cloud should never be in danger from _Zack. _It was…unnatural. _Just like the fucking smoke. _"Aerith…" Reno glanced at the sword, sunk down in the ground like he was already out of time. "You've saved his pretty little ass more than once already. Why not now? Why aren't you here this time?"

No answer. He hadn't expected one.

Reno sighed. "I fucked up. I know. But this ain't about me, flower girl. What's so different about this time? I know your little Soldier boyfriend's involved, but…" Reno laughed. "He's dead, Aerith. _Dead. _He doesn't need me anymore. Doesn't need…Cloud…"

Only silence close by, and the howling of a wolf pack on the hunt a few miles off.

And yet…Reno laughed again. _Simple. So fucking simple. _He should have known from the beginning where Cloud would be. Shaking his head, Reno gunned the engine and spun the bike around, flooring it to jump it down over the cliff. _Much better than taking the long way down._

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_He's not sad. He's not worried. He's not sad. He's not sad. _

A low chuckle. Dark and warm. Sultry. _Give it up, Cloudy. He needs you._

_Not me. He doesn't need me. It wasn't me in the alley, wasn't…_

Another laugh. _You. Me. What's the difference, Spike? If you think he's not sad, you're kidding yourself. _

Cloud whimpered. Twisted. But couldn't escape, could _never _escape. _He's not sad. He's not sad. I'm not sad. He's not sad. _

_Oh, Cloud. _Fingers through hair, soft like the wind on Midsummer's Day. _You've always been sad. You miss him. _

Another whimper. _No. I don't. I don't, Zack._

_Then why are you here, Cloudy?_

Cloud went still. Here? Where was…here?

_Open your eyes. _

Blinking, blinking. Eyes open, but Cloud couldn't see anything, nothing but the dark and the warmth and the long, slender fingers. _No. _Cloud closed his eyes again, shivering, shaking, but they didn't go away. They brushed and teased and petted, and his skin was burning with fever, sweat, fever. Sticky. Hot.

Fire.

_No. _Cloud moaned, arched up, and there were hips over his, thighs settling into place around him, a long, lean body pressing down, down…

_Cloud…_

But Zack didn't matter anymore. Only the fire, crackling, sizzling, and the hands on his shoulders, the lips on his neck. Fever. Slick on slick. Tightness, clenching, bearing down on him and Cloud was inside, _knew _he was inside and that was all that mattered. Who cared about Zack when Reno was…

_Cloud._

No. He wasn't Cloud. He was…he was…

…_worried…_

_No. _He's _not. _He's _not _worried. He's not sad. _Never _sad. He was…

_Come on, Cloud._

Anger writhing in his fingers, his chest, his gut, Cloud snapped his eyes open, fist snapping out automatically and catching…

Empty air.

Not good enough. Fast enough. Never good enough. _Zack…help me…_

_Don't worry, kid. I'm always here for you. _

Cloud growled, centered himself, and lashed out again.

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_Holy shit. _Reno scrambled back out of the way of the second blow, one that would have knocked his teeth clear across the room if it had caught him. He was fast, but, _hell, _he was a Turk, not a Soldier. There was no way he could keep this up for long. Reno glanced back over his shoulder at the open door and the shattered lock, wondering if he should just go back the way he'd come, but…

He'd known Cloud would be here, fucking _known_. It seemed stupid to back off now, and this was his apartment, _his _space. Still, Reno couldn't fight Cloud, not fight him and _win, _anyway. It was one of those facts he'd learned over the years. The last time he'd gone up against Cloud Strife, he'd come away with a sword through the chest and a near-fatal case of blood loss. Reno frowned, not sure what to do. He couldn't leave. He couldn't wake Cloud up. Talking obviously wasn't doing any good. It was talking that had shifted the dream from whatever it had been to…well, thisAnd if he fought Cloud, he'd probably die—Cloud obviously wasn't in a state of mind that included holding back against an enemy—and Reno would _like _to think Cloud would be unhappy if he woke up to find himself standing over Reno's beaten, blood-spattered corpse.

Reno ducked and spun away from Cloud, tamping down his feet and launching himself into a handspring and back flip that carried him up over the couch and out of the immediate line of attack. Cloud was fighting blind—sleep, Reno guessed—and that gave Reno _some _sort of advantage. Not much of one, though. It was dark in the room, and the open door didn't let in much light. This was Midgar, after all. There wasn't much light to be had in the streets after dark.

Cloud was all shadows and lithe movements, his hair the only thing that caught the light at all, and Reno had to follow it, backing away across the room in total silence, heading for the hallway, but Cloud followed him anyway, guided by some sense other than sight or sound. _Fucking Soldiers. _Reno stopped moving. The closed-in space of the hallway wouldn't do him any good if Cloud could follow him without any trouble; it would only get him trapped.

Then that blond head was right in front of him, stance relaxed and easy. One gloved fist launched out and Reno dodged to the side, sincerely grateful Cloud had left that monster sword of his on the floor. Another blow, and Reno ducked it this time, but he wasn't fast enough to dodge the booted foot that kicked out, catching him in the arm and fucking _snapping _it, knocking him to the ground, and then Cloud was on him, heavy, far too heavy for such a small guy, and Reno was pinned and Cloud was…Cloud was…

Kissing him. Hot and hard and insistent, and Reno jerked up, tried to pull away but his arms were trapped and his fucking right arm was _broken, _damn it, and his shirt ripped easy, too easy, and the button on his pants, and Cloud was tearing them, sounds of shredding fabric and thighs lifted by gloved hands and _no. Fucking NO. _Reno snapped his head up, too pissed off to make a sound as his head connected with Cloud's nose and it looked like Soldiers weren't invulnerable after all because there was a crackling sound, a crunch, and Reno knew he'd broken it…he'd hurt _Cloud…_

"Let him the _fuck _go, Zack." Reno snarled now, fucking _growled _as Cloud's eyes fluttered open, blue and glowing and confused and hungry. "He doesn't _want _this, damn it. Let him _go!"_

There was blood and blue and blinking, dripping, blinking, and a voice, low. Husky. Familiar. Cloud's voice with a violet throb. "Reno…"

"No. He doesn't want this. I've done a lot of shitty things, Zack, but I will _not _rape him just because you didn't get what you wanted while your lungs were still fucking working. This is _his _life. This is _Cloud…_" Reno's voice broke then, and he was pleading, because he couldn't win against Zack either, not hand to hand, not like this. "We're supposed to protect him. Always…"

"But…Reno…"

"It was a dream, Zack. A beautiful dream. We were kissing and your arms were around me and it felt fantastic, but it was just a dream. I won't have him like this, not like _this. _Please…don't make me do this…"

A pause, a breath. Thinking, considering. Then…

Movement. A growl, possession. Lips on lips and Reno was kissing back, heat and hunger and _need _and blood, and there were arms around him, pulling him closer, closer, and he fucking _hurt _but this was Cloud and Zack and…

_Shit. _Reno jerked his head back, gasping, fingers tightening on Cloud's right shoulder, shoving back while his right arm lay limp and aching against his side. _Aerith. Come on, babe, help me out here. He's gone. Just _gone, _and I don't know how to get him back. _

An answer this time, and Reno felt triumph easing up inside him. A breath of wind like the first day of Spring, warm with a tinge of ice. Friendship and sadness and _I can't help you._

"Fuck!" Reno shoved hard at Cloud's shoulder…Zack's…whatever. He just shoved and screamed and shattered triumph and wasn't even sure what he was screaming about or who he was screaming at. "He's _loved _you, lived for you, done _everything _for you and you can't help him? What the fuck kind of friendship is that? He can't…he can't do this by himself and I won't…please…"

Another breath, curling around him, _through _him, and there were words too, a breathy voice he remembered from the church and the flowers. _It's not my place, Reno. I gave up any power I had over his mind a long time ago, when I helped Tifa put the pieces back together. I can't help you. _

Tears. Heat and ice and Reno could feel them, and he bit his lip, could feel hard muscle and hard cock against him and he fucking _wanted _it and she couldn't help? Not even a little, and what was he supposed to do? Reno plucked and clutched at knit fabric and _pulled, _his forehead resting against a strong shoulder and Turks didn't beg, damn it, but what else could he do? When everything in him wanted to just give in, what else could he do? "Please," he whispered, lips against sweat-slick skin. "Just let me go, just…please…"

Arms gathered him close, held him tight. Tighter. A kiss to the brow, lips soft. And then they let go and Reno was back on the floor again, no skin touching his, no fingers grabbing, clutching, wanting. Everything was silence and darkness. He sat up. Cloud was sitting with eyes closed and back to the wall, every muscle tensed and shivering and Reno wanted to go to him.

He couldn't, though. It would only begin all over again.

So he stood up, ignored the pain in his arm, tugged his clothes back into place and held them there as best he could. He could just go to the bedroom and grab some fresh ones—this was _his _apartment, after all—but if he stayed any longer…

No.

Rufus was only a few minutes' drive away. Reno could go there. Better, easier, than anywhere else. Rufus already knew part of the story; he wouldn't ask questions or even get too worried, just patch Reno up and set his arm and give him space to sleep. Reno paused in the doorway, looked back at the hint of glowing blue that peaked out from beneath those mostly lowered eyelids. He swallowed hard. Took a deep breath. "Goodbye, Zack."


	10. Ch 10: Wake

Clenched Fists  
Part Ten: Wake

Warnings: Sex!

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Reno winced and jerked away. It hurt.

_Don't be like that. _Someone _has to tend this arm of yours, right? _Strong fingers took hold of his arm again and stretched it out, probing his skin for the line of the break. Touch, press, move. Touch. Press. Move.

Reno twitched, hissed.

_There?_

Reno nodded. There.

Touch, press. Pain. Grasp. Both hands took hold this time, one at his elbow and the other low on his forearm, just beneath the break. There was a shift in grip. A sharp twist. A loud snap.

The bone slid back into place and Reno heaved a sigh of relief, ignoring the dull throbs of pain reverberating through torn muscles, bruised flesh, and broken bone. He looked up into a pair of bright blue eyes.

_Better?_

Reno nodded. He opened his eyes as someone slid into place behind him, and he turned his head to find…blond hair? Slender hands, deceptively soft…

Reno coughed. "Boss?"

"I'm here, Reno."

"Yeah. I thought…"

"You were expecting someone else?"

"No, I…yeah."

"In my apartment?"

Reno laughed. "Made it here, did I? Thought I collapsed outside the door. You didn't answer."

"I just got back. But you seem to have found your way in on your own. I certainly didn't carry you, and I sent Rude away before I came inside, so it wasn't him. You seem to have made yourself quite comfortable on my couch." Rufus's fingers threaded through Reno's hair, soothing, brushing, like kneading into a cat's fur. "What's wrong with your arm?"

Reno grimaced. "Broken. Needs to be set."

Rufus moved carefully, laying Reno's head back against a soft pillow and kneeling beside the couch, probing carefully at the arm. "No," he said. "It's been set already, and set well. It just needs to be splinted and wrapped."

"It's been set?" Reno asked, but Rufus had already moved off to another part of the house, and Reno could just barely hear cabinet doors opening and closing and the soft fabric of Rufus's clothes rustling as he moved.

He returned shortly, alcohol, metal splints, and strong white bandages in hand. Rufus kept a wealth of medical supplies at his apartment. Given the nature of the Turks' work, it just made sense. Everyone would undoubtedly need tending at some point or other. Tonight, it happened to be Reno. Rufus cleaned and splinted and wrapped, carefully but tightly, and he didn't ask about Cloud, and for that Reno was grateful. He finished up quickly, brought blankets and a bottle of water, and told Reno to get some sleep.

Reno stared after him as he disappeared down the hall, and wondered whether he _could _sleep, whether the dreams would come again, or whether they'd gone. Sleep, though, came easily enough, and with it…

_Heat. Lips, soft and pliant. Reno opened for them, and a tongue slipped through into his mouth. Strong and assertive, but not taking, just…kissing. Reno laughed and pulled back, pushing at a pair of strong, leather-covered shoulders. "Zack. You promised…"_

"_I know, I know." A dramatic sigh. "You don't swing that way. I got it, alright? Still…" His eyes were the heart of a fire. "What's a little kiss between friends?"_

"_Not much until your cock gets involved."_

_It was Zack who laughed this time, laughed and backed off. Grinned. "My cock's always involved, Reno. Yours, though, it's a little too caught up in snatch…"_

"_Shut up." Reno chucked a pillow at him. "What I do with my cock is none of your business, Fair."_

"_I know." Zack grinned, but Reno could see bitterness behind the gleam._

_Strange. He'd never seen that before. That smile…it had always been like the end of the world. Nothing else compared to it; and there was nothing left after it, and nothing remembered of what had come before. And yet…it didn't stand alone anymore, an isle of brilliance in the midst of the world's maelstrom of dark emotions. It carried with it darkness of its own now. Reno smiled. Somehow, he liked it better this way. _

_But the grin fell away, and the bitterness also, and then there was nothing left but Zack and urgency and sadness. And fear. He stared at Reno, leaning in close, close, closer. "It's not me."_

"_What? You're sitting right in front of me. Don't tell me it's not you."_

"_No. I'm dead, Reno. Remember. You _must _remember."_

_Reno frowned. Zack was _there, _in front of him. The same Zack he'd always been. But…_

_Reno did remember. Zack had died. The army had killed him. 5,000 against one man, and he'd still taken out hundreds before they'd brought him down, before they'd left Cloud for dead on the side of the cliff. All to protect Cloud, all to… Reno looked at Zack. "Cloud," he said. One word. Just one word._

"_Yeah."_

_Reno nodded. He'd gotten it wrong again. Zack was dead, and there were only three people who'd ever returned from the dead, in their own bodies or otherwise. Zack was _not _one of them. "What do I need to do?"_

"_I don't know. Just…don't say goodbye anymore, Reno. _Never _say goodbye."_

_Reno smiled, stretched out his left arm and trailed his fingers down Zack's face. "I know I can't be with you, but…" He sighed. "I won't say goodbye anymore. I promise."_

_There was that grin again, sparkling and roiling like mako-blue eyes._

And then sleep was only a dream, and Reno was awake again. Wasn't he? This was the room…Rufus's living room…in which he'd fallen asleep, but…

There was a film over everything. A haze, like smoke over Midgar. Maybe it had always been there, and he'd just been too blind to notice. Like he hadn't noticed Cloud. Reno lifted his left arm and ran his fingers through the hair of the young man—almost a boy in this light, twenty-five years old though he might be—who was leaning, sleeping, back against the couch, his arms wrapped around his knees. Reno had known Cloud would be there, that Cloud would find him again. It was almost a ritual between them now. He would disappear, or Cloud would, and then Cloud would seek him out in sleep, would wind his way into Reno's space and slip inside, silent, soft. Like he belonged there.

He_ did _belong there, but Reno hadn't noticed. He'd been too wrapped up in the idea of _Cloud _to realize that there was something more here, something rippling beneath the surface that bound them to one another. But he knew now. He remembered. Reno smiled. He sat up and placed his legs carefully to either side of Cloud's body, tilting the boy's head up toward him. "Wake up, Cloud."

And Cloud's eyelids fluttered open this time, just as Reno had known they would. His eyes were large, solemn, glowing in the dim light from the open door. The sleeping Cloud hadn't bothered to close it behind him, but this lock hadn't been shattered. Reno almost laughed. Rufus must have guessed Cloud would come and left the door unlocked. Not a surprise, really. Rufus always was a few steps ahead of everyone else. Cloud blinked. "Reno?"

"Yeah," Reno scratched softly behind Cloud's ears, soothing the skin. "It's just me."

"It won't go away, will it?"

Reno's smile was sad. Cloud wasn't talking about the dreams this time. "No, Cloud. It won't go away."

Cloud was silent, but Reno didn't need to hear him speak to know what he was feeling. _Trapped. Panic. Fear, fear, fear. Loss. Too much loss. _

"I'm not going anywhere, Cloud. You can trust me."

"I can…what?"

It was obvious now. Reno smiled again and began a slow massage across the muscles of Cloud's neck. He should have remembered earlier. Cloud…wasn't Cloud anymore. He _was. _Aerith had done as much as she could, really, but…there were still parts him that just…weren't himself. Cloud hadn't been lying, hadn't been locked in some kind of self-denial like Rufus had thought. Cloud _didn't _love Reno. _Touch, press, move. _But Zack did. And Zack was a part of Cloud now, a part Cloud could never escape. _Touch. _He was fighting against himself, Rufus had said.And he was.He was fighting Zack—Zack's desires, Zack's emotions, Zack's instincts. They were all a part of him, and he didn't want them. _Press. _Zack was dead. He hadn't come back, wasn't trying to take Cloud over. But he wasn't gone. He'd never _been _gone. And as long as Cloud was fighting that part of him… _Move. _

Reno moved. He slid down and around Cloud to kneel in front of him, fists clenched tightly in the knit fabric of Cloud's sweater. He stared into Cloud's eyes, stared straight into the fear and the confusion he found there. He smiled. "You can trust me."

Cloud only stared back.

"If I'm going to die…" Reno's smile turned feral, his eyes sharp and brittle. "I'll make sure you go first. I promise."

Cloud blinked, jerked a little. A furrow dug down between his eyes. "You would do that?" His voice was low, husky, with just a throb of violet to it. A touch of Zack that would never fade.

"Yeah," Reno breathed. "I would do that."

"I…" Cloud looked down, eyes wet. Shining. "I don't love you."

Twist of pain. Reno swallowed it down. "I know. Zack does."

"Yeah."

"I can live with that."

Cloud shifted, moved a little closer. "I…can feel it, you know? So strong, passionate. It's…" He paused, glanced at Reno for a second. "It's beautiful."

Reno took a deep breath, let everything he felt for Cloud, let his friendship with Zack and all the emotions that went with it, let everything just _burn _inside him, like ice, like earth. Like wind tearing down a mountain pass. He laughed. Almost cried. "Yeah," word of the night, apparently. But it was all that could really be said. "Beautiful."

"It won't go away."

Reno shook his head. _Back to that, huh? _Instead, he said, "Neither will I."

Cloud was strung tight again, muscles all strain and tension, fists clenched against the floor where he'd let them fall from his knees. Reno could see the nails digging into the palms. He thought he saw a glint of blood. Cloud nodded, though, and he looked, just _looked, _at Reno.

Reno touched a hand to Cloud's knee, softly, softly. "Cloud…you know what Zack wants."

"He wants you."

"Yes."

"Needs you."

"Yes."

"Loves you."

"For years. You've been watching me for years."

Cloud nodded slowly. "I haven't even…I haven't been able to…"

"Yeah. It's been pretty bad, huh? He always was a persistent bastard. Determined to get what he wants." Reno hesitated. "This is your choice, Cloud. Remember that. But…I love you. I can give you what you need, what _he _needs. You don't have to fight anymore. You deserve peace. You deserve to be _happy. _And I…I know I'm not your choice, but…I think...I _hope _I can make you happy."

Almost silent, just a wisp of husk on the air. "But I failed him."

Reno breathed. Air in. Air out. _Touch. _"He died. You said you'd live for both of you."

"I failed him."

"So give him what he wants. _Live _for him."

Cloud licked his lips, looked at Reno. "Love for him?"

Reno nodded. Shrugged. "It's an idea. It'll…it'll ease the pain, Cloud. Make it easier to breathe."

"I…I don't know if I can make you happy, Reno. I can't…I…" he looked down again, clenched his fists tighter. "He wanted to make you happy, _deserved _to make you happy. To love you. I'm not him, but he…he's _inside _me, and I…I love him…"

"I know, Cloud." Reno brushed his hands up Cloud's thighs. Touch. _Press. _"I know."

"Yeah." A low huff.

Reno's smile could have broken his own heart. He knew what Zack had meant now. He _knew. _"Cloud," he whispered, pressing, pressing, kneading muscle through denim, fingers straining against the fabric. _Never say goodbye. Never…_

Cloud looked up.

Reno let out a soft breath, a low huff identical to Cloud's. "Kiss me."

A blur of motion. Sure and swift and soft and hesitant. Shy and crazed. Needy, pained, and Reno was on his back on the floor and Cloud was on top of him, kissing, touching, hands everywhere, lips hot and whispering over lips. _Move. _Reno's clothes were little more than shreds of fabric loosely threaded together, and Cloud shoved them aside, stripped them off until strings of black and white and buttons and zippers littered the plush carpet around them, and Reno was naked, pale skin gleaming in the cold light of the doorway, hair glinting bright red like it always did, no matter the light. Cloud was kissing, licking, savoring. Touching like Zack had always wanted to do, touching as he'd dreamed of doing for years, since Zack's death, yes, but more, far more after he'd died on that rooftop two years ago, since he'd entered the lifestream and become closer to Zack than he had in years, closer than he _ever _had.

He took and he gave and he made Reno moan and it was beautiful. Hands caressing wiry muscles, tight skin, trembling legs, lingering over thighs and sharp hipbones, dipping into hollows of throats and collarbones. Kissing, kissing. Lips insistent, tongue hot. Hard. Thrusting. Zipper drawn down, pants shoved to mid-thigh and Reno's hand was around Cloud's cock, squeezing, touching, stroking, and Cloud was gasping, shivering, bent over Reno's body, lips pressed to the join of neck and shoulder, all the while being careful of that arm, that broken right arm.

There was blood on Cloud's face, dried and crusted, and his nose was still broken, but they didn't care, they barely tasted it as Reno kissed and touched and _needed _and caressed Cloud's back beneath the fabric of his sweater with one hand, keeping the other moving between Cloud's thighs.

And Cloud couldn't stand it any longer. He growled and _shoved _and Reno's thighs were pushed back, in the air, and Cloud's hips were between them and he was pushing, pushing, and Reno fucking _burned _but he didn't give a shit because it was Cloud and Cloud was fucking him and he was a Turk, damn it, what did he care about a little pain?

It was better than the dreams. More. Longer, shorter. They didn't know. Better though. Close and too much and not close enough and thrust, thrust, thrust. Reno panted, moaned. Fucking screamed.

And Cloud laughed and smiled and kissed him all the while and Reno didn't know for sure, didn't know whether that was Zack's laugh or Cloud's, didn't know _who _was smiling exactly, but he didn't care. Zack loved him and Cloud needed him and he would _never _say goodbye again. Never. Cloud was moving inside him and Reno's fingers were digging into his shoulder blades, his right arm wrapped around Cloud just like his left even though it hurt like hell's fucking fury, and he was panting, they were _both _panting, and then Cloud thrust hard and Reno saw entire fucking _constellations_ and he screamed then, bucked, fucking _writhed _and came, came hard, damn it, and bit down on Cloud's shoulder, heaving in breaths as Cloud collapsed on top of him, drained and sated and loving every damned second of it. Both of them.

Reno panted. Huffed. Grinned. "Damn."

"Yeah," Cloud breathed, eyes blazing. He didn't move, didn't do anything but breathe and feel Reno breathing under him. Hard and heavy. Relaxed. Cloud closed his eyes, tightened his grip in Reno's hair. "Reno…"

A slight stir, soft touch of fingers against fabric. "Yeah?"

"I'll do it. Love you, I mean. For him. For me…just…I will."

Reno laughed, tugged Cloud closer. "I know. And I might even let you, too."

Cloud laughed this time, all bass and breath and not alone. It would take time. A lot of time. He took a deep breath. _Alright, Zack. Together this time. _Unclenched his fists. _The three of us._

And let go.


	11. Epilogue

Clenched Fists  
Epilogue

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Reno blinked slowly, struggling to take in the bright stream of light glancing across his eyes. Sunlight. It must be morning. Reno groaned and pulled Cloud closer up against him, hiding his eyes in the curve of the younger man's neck. "Not moving. _Never _moving."

"I take it everything worked out for the better after all."

Reno blinked again. Moaned. Reached out for something to throw and came up with nothing but a handful of fabric shreds. "Shut it, boss. I've had a long night."

"So I see."

Reno pressed a kiss to Cloud's neck, shifted so he was lying flat on his back with Cloud snuggled up against his left side, head on Reno's shoulder, sleeping deeply and peacefully for what had to be the first time in years. He looked up at Rufus seated comfortably on the couch, cushions surrounding him like a throne. Reno smiled softly, his eyes glowing just the slightest bit. "Yeah. It's been…"

"Interesting?"

Reno laughed. "Yeah."

"So."

"So?"

"Since you seem to have gotten this…situation…under control, you _will _be returning to work today, I assume?"

Cloud shifted in his sleep, fingers scrabbling for a hold on Reno's stomach and gripping tightly to one sharp hipbone. His eyes scrunched up, furrowed, and he sighed. "Zack…"

Reno smiled sadly and ran a hand through the mass of tangled blond on his shoulder. "It's okay, Cloud. Sleep. Just sleep."

Cloud nuzzled Reno's neck, maybe even purred, just a little. And he settled back down, fists relaxing and muscles going slack. He smiled. "Reno."

Reno grinned. Licked his lips. Looked up at Rufus. "Sorry, boss. I think I'm gonna take a personal day."

Rufus snorted, looked down at Cloud with a speculative gleam in his eyes. "Take a week."

Reno didn't bother to answer. Cloud nuzzling his neck was answer enough for any man.

"Just…make sure you get the sap out of your system before you return to work. I don't need you throwing the office into overload. People might get…ideas."

A dark laugh like liquid cinnamon. "Sure, boss. Whatever. Just, uh…" Reno glanced down at Cloud's bare shoulder, over at the scraps of black and white that had once been his clothes. He looked up at Rufus again. "I don't suppose you could grab us a blanket?"

"Fine." Rufus snorted again and grabbed a blanket from the other end of the couch, chucking it at Reno's head and missing Cloud by centimeters. "But I'm afraid you'll have to tuck yourselves in."

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A/N: We have come to the end. The end of an era. For all of you who have stuck with me from the beginning on this one (last June!), I thank you. We've laughed, we've cried, we've cursed, but we've endured. And so have Reno and Cloud. Now, finally, do they get the little bit of rest and peace they deserve. It might not all be sunshine and roses, but it's a start. And that's really all we can ever ask, right? Again, thank you everyone for reading, fans of old and newcomers alike, and remember...feedback is love.

Slashy love,

Sam  
S.J. Kohl


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